The Valley Report

Newsworthy News

Trump suggests New Mexico change name to Bible Eagle Dallas Cowboys

WASHINGTON – During talks of the wall, the president made a strange suggestion to the state of New Mexico to change their name to something ‘more American’. When asked if … Continue reading

June 26, 2017 · Leave a comment

Webster’s adds ‘covfefe’ to dictionary, removes ‘presidential’ and ‘integrity’

DAVE WEASEL SPRINGFIELD, MA – The American publishing giant added the word ‘covfefe’ to its dictionary today after it met the criteria of widespread use, while removing words ‘presidential’ and … Continue reading

June 25, 2017 · Leave a comment

Pence: health care bill to only cover gay conversion therapy

DAVE WEASEL WASHINGTON – After months of desperately trying to repeal Obamacare, Mike Pence announced a key detail in the proposed bill the Senate has been keeping a secret. Pence, … Continue reading

June 22, 2017 · 1 Comment

Man shoots wife proving guns don’t kill people, people kill people

MARY GRACE LAMBERT Lexington, KY – Upon reading a tweet from the extremist left anarchists, a man decided to take his second amendment right into his own hands. Sick and … Continue reading

June 20, 2017 · Leave a comment

Trumpcare: Americans no longer have to live with preexisting conditions

WASHINGTON – One step closer to an inevitable death sentence for an incalculable amount of Americans, the House of Representatives passed legislation today to repeal and replace Obamacare. “People with … Continue reading

May 4, 2017 · 1 Comment

Kid Rock takes break from singing Kid Rock songs at karaoke to visit White House

WASHINGTON – To celebrate take-the-trash-to-work day, former musician Kid Rock graced Donald Trump and his Trumpster Piglets with a surprise visit to the Oval Office, despite his hectic schedule of … Continue reading

April 20, 2017 · 1 Comment

Despite father going bankrupt 4x, this woman grew up to start successful charm bracelet business

NEW YORK – If you’re in need of some feel-good inspiration, consider the challenges this woman, whose father filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy four times, had to face. “She started … Continue reading

April 18, 2017 · 1 Comment

Independent poll shows Trump approval rating hits 0%

LOS ANGELES – An independent poll conducted this afternoon in the San Fernando Valley area of Los Angeles shows Donald Trump hit an all time low in his approval ratings … Continue reading

April 17, 2017 · Leave a comment

Woman arrested for defecating on boss’ desk after winning the lottery

DAVE WEASEL NEW YORK – A 41-year-old woman had the winning lottery ticket worth over 3 million dollars on Friday night, but showed up to work anyway on Monday to … Continue reading

April 25, 2016 · 760 Comments

Man sends 53 unanswered messages about first novel he is writing to Tinder match

DAVE WEASEL BROOKLYN, NY – A 24-year-old woman picked up her phone on Saturday afternoon to discover the battery had somehow been drained. After plugging it in, she was bombarded … Continue reading

April 23, 2016 · 4 Comments

Winnipeg mayor sends sassy selfie to new sexist, racist & homophobic premier

DAVE WEASEL WINNIPEG, MB – Brian Bowman sent newly elected premier Brian Pallister a welcome text with a sexy picture of himself on Friday. “Welcome to the Brian Club!!1 xoxo,” the … Continue reading

April 22, 2016 · 1 Comment

Harvard University giving every student A-grades so no feelings get hurt

DAVE WEASEL CAMBRIDGE, MA – In an effort to keep every public place populated by young adults a ‘safe space’, Harvard is ensuring each student that tries their best will get … Continue reading

April 21, 2016 · 3 Comments

Man gives up sex for life to vape in a fedora

DAVE WEASEL SAN JOSE, CA – A 32-year-old man has accepted his fate as involuntarily celibate to smoke an e-cigarette while wearing a fedora. “It started off as an accident,” … Continue reading

April 20, 2016 · 4 Comments

Coachella triples Porta-Potties to mask smell of patrons

DAVE WEASEL Indio, CA – After several complains from neighbouring parks and cities, Coachella organizers were forced to use extreme measures to hide the smell of its festival-goers. “I’ve got a … Continue reading

April 18, 2016 · Leave a comment

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