The Valley Report

Newsworthy News

Woman arrested for defecating on boss’ desk after winning the lottery

DAVE WEASEL NEW YORK – A 41-year-old woman had the winning lottery ticket worth over 3 million dollars on Friday night, but showed up to work anyway on Monday to … Continue reading

April 25, 2016 · 743 Comments

Man sends 53 unanswered messages about first novel he is writing to Tinder match

DAVE WEASEL BROOKLYN, NY – A 24-year-old woman picked up her phone on Saturday afternoon to discover the battery had somehow been drained. After plugging it in, she was bombarded … Continue reading

April 23, 2016 · 4 Comments

Winnipeg mayor sends sassy selfie to new sexist, racist & homophobic premier

DAVE WEASEL WINNIPEG, MB – Brian Bowman sent newly elected premier Brian Pallister a welcome text with a sexy picture of himself on Friday. “Welcome to the Brian Club!!1 xoxo,” the … Continue reading

April 22, 2016 · 1 Comment

Harvard University giving every student A-grades so no feelings get hurt

DAVE WEASEL CAMBRIDGE, MA – In an effort to keep every public place populated by young adults a ‘safe space’, Harvard is ensuring each student that tries their best will get … Continue reading

April 21, 2016 · 1 Comment

Man gives up sex for life to vape in a fedora

DAVE WEASEL SAN JOSE, CA – A 32-year-old man has accepted his fate as involuntarily celibate to smoke an e-cigarette while wearing a fedora. “It started off as an accident,” … Continue reading

April 20, 2016 · 1 Comment

Coachella triples Porta-Potties to mask smell of patrons

DAVE WEASEL Indio, CA – After several complains from neighbouring parks and cities, Coachella organizers were forced to use extreme measures to hide the smell of its festival-goers. “I’ve got a … Continue reading

April 18, 2016 · Leave a comment

Man issued divorce and assault with weapon charge for giving wife a ‘dutch oven’

DAVE WEASEL PHOENIX, AZ – A 33-year-old man is facing criminal charges for holding his wife’s head under the covers and letting out a ‘catastrophic, minute-long fart’. The woman cited … Continue reading

April 15, 2016 · 2 Comments

School security guard accidentally kicks black female student 37 times in the face

DAVE WEASEL MINNEAPOLIS, MN – In what school officials and police are ruling a simple misunderstanding, a security guard at a Minnesota high school faces no disciplinary action after accidentally kicking … Continue reading

April 12, 2016 · 4 Comments

MLB finally responds to racist team monikers, Chicago ‘White’ Sox to change name

DAVE WEASEL NEW YORK, NY – After years of protest over its racist team names, Major League Baseball is finally forcing the Chicago ‘White’ Sox to find a less offensive, … Continue reading

April 10, 2016 · 1 Comment

Bistro owner tracks down and murders Yelp user for bad review

DAVE WEASEL OAKLAND, CA – A restauranteur is in custody after he murdered a Yelp reviewer who said the food tasted like “bison diarrhea”. The review, which continued to speculate … Continue reading

April 9, 2016 · Leave a comment

Chris Rock ordered to pay $1 million to white family offended by use of ‘N-word’

DAVE WEASEL RALEIGH, NC – Standup comedian and actor Chris Rock was ordered by a judge to pay a Caucasian family just over a million dollars because they were “traumatized … Continue reading

April 7, 2016 · 8 Comments

North Carolina enforces ‘doggy door’ segregated bathrooms for LGBT people

DAVE WEASEL CHARLOTTE, NC – Lawmakers in North Carolina were frustrated by the backlash of their discriminatory ruling of prohibiting transgendered people from using the facility of the gender they identified … Continue reading

April 5, 2016 · 2 Comments

Drunk driver sues parents of kids he ran over for ’emotional distress’

CLEVELAND, OH – A 33-year-old man charged with driving under the influence and running over two children riding their bikes on the sidewalk has filed a lawsuit seeking damages against … Continue reading

April 4, 2016 · 1 Comment

Panic spreads as FBI can access iPhone users’ deleted selfies

DAVE WEASEL NOVATO, CA – In the wake of a terrorist investigation, a bigger fear sweeps across America; iPhone privacy issues. “We need to see what the terrorist was planning, … Continue reading

April 2, 2016 · 1 Comment

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