POSSOM TROT, KY – In the wake of today’s tragic on-air shooting of WDBJ-TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward, several pro-gun advocates have oddly chosen this time to wave their second amendment convictions.
“These liberal nut-jobs are not looking at the positive side of this,” says Cletus Shirtstain. “What was it that killed the shooter? That’s right, a gun! Since he shot himself with –a gun– the victim’s families should be grateful he had access to firearms. I will be waiting by the phone for president Obama to congratulate me.”
Shirtstain’s wife, Buttcrack Betty weighed in. “We have more guns than children in this house. When they were born we told them not to shoot any guns in the home or at each other. You can’t blame guns for accidental shootings of children in their own houses. Guns don’t kill people, parents who don’t tell babies that guns are not toys kill people.”
I was referred to a local moonshiner and fornicator known as The Professor. “Guns do not stop the crazies from killing. He could’ve just as easily dropkicked that girl in the face to death. Have you ever seen Macgyver? It’s possible to kill someone with a paper clip and a banana peel. Do you know what else kills? Cars. Should we take away everyone’s vehicle because it might kill someone? Breathing in toxic gas will kill you too, are we going to ban breathing? Old age seems to be taking out a lot of people, what’s next, euthanizing teenagers?”
Lastly, I visited the town mayor Jeb Cruz during this exhausting day of interviews. “I hate to blame the victims here, but in a way it is their own fault,” says Cruz, over a blaring Ted Nugent record. “Had they exercised their constitutional right to bear arms, they could’ve killed the shooter before he had the chance. It’s almost like they didn’t notice he was a minority. That’s what guns are for, protection against other armed citizens. If everyone carried firearms, eventually everyone with a gun will get shot and then no more innocent people will have to die. Something like this is good for our cause because after Columbine, Sandy Hook, Charleston and the increasingly incalculable amount of shootings, people were pointing their fingers at our guns. When only two people die, everyone forgets about it sooner. Desensitization, baby! People are starting to realize we need to be armed against the armed. Remember the Trainwreck shooting last month? Me neither.”