“Not even close” – Gun fanatics respond when asked ‘have enough innocent people died yet?’


DAVE WEASEL

POSSOM TROT, KY – In the wake of today’s tragic on-air shooting of WDBJ-TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward, several pro-gun advocates have oddly chosen this time to wave their second amendment convictions.

Screen Shot 2015-08-26 at 6.54.52 PM

“These liberal nut-jobs are not looking at the positive side of this,” says Cletus Shirtstain.  “What was it that killed the shooter? That’s right, a gun! Since he shot himself with –a gun– the victim’s families should be grateful he had access to firearms.  I will be waiting by the phone for president Obama to congratulate me.”

Shirtstain’s wife, Buttcrack Betty weighed in. “We have more guns than children in this house.  When they were born we told them not to shoot any guns in the home or at each other.  You can’t blame guns for accidental shootings of children in their own houses.  Guns don’t kill people, parents who don’t tell babies that guns are not toys kill people.”

I was referred to a local moonshiner and fornicator known as The Professor.  “Guns do not stop the crazies from killing.  He could’ve just as easily dropkicked that girl in the face to death.  Have you ever seen Macgyver? It’s possible to kill someone with a paper clip and a banana peel. Do you know what else kills? Cars.  Should we take away everyone’s vehicle because it might kill someone? Breathing in toxic gas will kill you too, are we going to ban breathing? Old age seems to be taking out a lot of people, what’s next, euthanizing teenagers?”

Lastly, I visited the town mayor Jeb Cruz during this exhausting day of interviews.  “I hate to blame the victims here, but in a way it is their own fault,” says Cruz, over a blaring Ted Nugent record.  “Had they exercised their constitutional right to bear arms, they could’ve killed the shooter before he had the chance. It’s almost like they didn’t notice he was a minority. That’s what guns are for, protection against other armed citizens.  If everyone carried firearms, eventually everyone with a gun will get shot and then no more innocent people will have to die. Something like this is good for our cause because after Columbine, Sandy Hook, Charleston and the increasingly incalculable amount of shootings, people were pointing their fingers at our guns.  When only two people die, everyone forgets about it sooner. Desensitization, baby! People are starting to realize we need to be armed against the armed.  Remember the Trainwreck shooting last month? Me neither.”

Facebook Comments
Advertisements
Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

What others say about : “Not even close” – Gun fanatics respond when asked ‘have enough innocent people died yet?’..


Kay

Is surely IS satire; else the real problem would have been talked about. .. Mental illness and the idiots that in any way allow the I’ll people get to the guns.

Rob

What utter BS and go figure, only the ignorant libtard anti gun bigots would buy into this load of BS. How many innocent lives are to many? How bout abortion? But wait! that’s a woman’s “right” to choose! Yet over 2 million innocent lives are slaughtered every year and these self righteous libtard pigs dare raise their voice against our constitutional rights? How about DUI’s? But wait, life is sooooooooo precious to these bigots, actually, no it isn’t, matter of fact, the truth is, 90% of the anti gun bigots in this country could care less about the life of others. They are more concerned with power & control which is why the issue that really impact human life are of zero concern to them. On average 37 people are murdered every day due to a drunk but again, where is their outrage? Every day up 350 woman are murdered in domestic violence around the world, again, where is their outrage? Why do they not demand that booze be removed from the shelf when not only do drunks murder innocent, but what about the impact of alcohol abuse in the destruction of families and those around them? Let us not forget people that most of the anti gun folk in America are beyond uneducated. They are some of the greatest ignorant folk to every utter a word concerning a topic they know nothing about. Look for example on here. I could become one of the richest men on earth if I could count on these bigots to pay up on a bet that concerns where they get their facts. Most of what these people say are nothing more than a copy/paste from places like Huffington Post who already showed how educated their so called “experts” were when they got all up in a frenzy back when that woman in Iraq was holding that unfired round in her hand telling the media that it was the exact bullet those evil marines used to shoot her in the head!!!!! HA! One has got to laugh over that one. Even idiots like Wolf Blitzer and the family of left wing bigots from MSNBC were trying to sell that BS until they were informed on their stupidity. Anyhow, I think I have more than made the point.

kamikazekilljoy

Hey buddy, I’m just sitting over here with my Mexican rapist drug dealing friend., smoking pot with my tranny jihadist girlfriend, while I help my friend look up her 30th abortion while we all suck up your tax dollars, and I’m pretty sure if you didn’t understand that this is a satirical website. Especially with the names like, “shirtstain* and his wife, ” buttcrack Betty” the real idiot here is the one who’s yelling the most. The point of this is for a LAUGH. Now go back to your Trump Humping cult. Also, if you can’t tell the difference between a satire and real-life, than in my opinion. You should take your gun, place it in your mouth… And keep orally trying to thrust fuck it while it’s loaded.

DropsMic

This website is brilliant! Keep it coming. These articles have a merit of truth in them even if the majority can’t see it. That is what is so damn scary.

Reason

This is the most ridiculous “article” I’ve ever seen. You should be ashamed of yourself for spreading lies. No gun enthusiast thinks along those lines! Even a moron can tell this is fake.

Craig

Of course it’s fake. But the gun laws are not, that’s the point.
You guys are just maniacs letting everyone have a gun. Maniacs!

DENNIS

@craig, I’m sorry you believe the constitution ONLY applies to you and who YOU choose. Gun laws dont do anything to criminals, THSTS why they’re criminals. Most of your crimes are committed in “gun free zones” so please explain that away. 290k people are killed eacg year by medical malpractice, doesnt mean that they’ll ban doctors, stop placing blame on a tool, and blame the responsible party that committed the atrocity. Thats the problem with liberals like you, alwaus playing the victim card and shifting blame.

Leave a Reply
Shares