WINNIPEG, MB – A circus lion owned by a ringmaster named Slippery Pete was left in a hot car Thursday afternoon during a quick stop at the Unicity Walmart.
“I just needed to use the facilities as it’s been three days since my last BM” states Slippery Pete, between bites of his beef jerky. “I was in there for 5 minutes tops.
Members of a local animal rights group ‘Respect Towards Animal Rights & Dignity’, commonly known as RTARD were secretly buying hotdogs at the Walmart when they noticed the lion in the car.
“We were just walking by, doing everything we could to mind someone else’s business” states the lone survivor, who wishes not to be identified because of the hotdogs in her hand. “We waited an entire 13 seconds for the owner so we decided to smash out the window. That lion lunged forward and killed three of my friends, but I still respect this lion’s human rights.”
“Yeah, he’ll do that,” adds Slippery Pete, unable to suppress laughter anymore. “He’s a wild god-damned animal. Idiots.”