LOS ANGELES, CA – After cancelling the remaining 2015 tour dates because doctors determined Chad Kroeger can’t sing, Nickelback announced they’re putting out a greatest hits album consisting of 19 previously unreleased tracks. All of which are completely inaudible.
“I think this is our best work yet.” boasts front man Chad Kroeger while browsing on his Blackberry for a fedora. “We had a lot of fun recording this, all of us in the studio being as quiet as we can. Our engineer was over the moon about this project. He said we should’ve been doing this since we started.”
Rhythm guitarist and Chad’s brother, Khad Kroeger was considering a different sound. “I was thinking about taking guitar lessons before this record, but I figured the whole ‘musically talented’ thing has been done before. We’ve made it this far with smoke and mirrors, why fix what’s irreparable, you know?”
“There was one day in the studio that tested us all,” recalls drummer Xhad Kroeger. “We were all standing in the booth, surrounding a mic with our hands over our mouths careful not to make a sound. Then I farted. We had to start the take over again, because of our artistic integrity. I just kept thinking to myself ‘this is for the people, this is what they want’ and it was easy to keep my mouth and my buttocks shut.”
No release date has been announced, but fans can hardly wait. Bassist Qrzhuad Kroeger could not be reached for comment because he too busy making love to a goat in Detroit.