Nickelback to release Greatest Hits Album; 19 tracks of silence


DAVE WEASEL

LOS ANGELES, CA – After cancelling the remaining 2015 tour dates because doctors determined Chad Kroeger can’t sing, Nickelback announced they’re putting out a greatest hits album consisting of 19 previously unreleased tracks. All of which are completely inaudible.

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“I think this is our best work yet.” boasts front man Chad Kroeger while browsing on his Blackberry for a fedora.  “We had a lot of fun recording this, all of us in the studio being as quiet as we can.  Our engineer was over the moon about this project.  He said we should’ve been doing this since we started.”

Rhythm guitarist and Chad’s brother, Khad Kroeger was considering a different sound. “I was thinking about taking guitar lessons before this record, but I figured the whole ‘musically talented’ thing has been done before.  We’ve made it this far with smoke and mirrors, why fix what’s irreparable, you know?”

“There was one day in the studio that tested us all,” recalls drummer Xhad Kroeger. “We were all standing in the booth, surrounding a mic with our hands over our mouths careful not to make a sound.  Then I farted.  We had to start the take over again, because of our artistic integrity.  I just kept thinking to myself ‘this is for the people, this is what they want’ and it was easy to keep my mouth and my buttocks shut.”

No release date has been announced, but fans can hardly wait. Bassist Qrzhuad Kroeger could not be reached for comment because he too busy making love to a goat in Detroit.

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

What others say about : Nickelback to release Greatest Hits Album; 19 tracks of silence..


Jon Hall

Not a huge fan but I do possess 2 Nickleback discs…….Kroger’s voice works well for me and that’s all I need…..he can definitely carry a tune!
MOA (This is Mark O. Avery using what appears to be J. Hall’s FaceBook sign in at our mutual radio station gig…….WPVC FM Charlottesville Va. (Sorry about that
John!)

Vinni Vinni Vicci

Haha… Come on. So, someone bashes a band you like and your retort is a jab at their grammar? Please…
It’s fine you like this band. You don’t need anyone’s permittion to do so. Talent is hard to judge because of opinions formed about what a successful band and how much money they make has a lot to do with it. But in all honesty a lot of mainstream music is very cookie cutter because that’s what the average person wants to hear. I’m talking ALL “pop” music and radio rock and roll. I like some of it. But most, no. Lol
Nickelback is just so boring to me and I guess a lot of the people hear posting negative things.
Also…THIS IS MADE TO FUNNY AND FOR PEOPLE WHO THINK OTS FUNNY TO ENJOY AND PEOPLE HATE DISAGREE TO BE OPENLY BUTTHURT ON THE INTERNET. Cheers all!

Alan Osborn

Get over yourselves. Very funny but I have seen Nickelback live and they are great. I guess some people have to put others down to prop themselves up. It’s amusing to see people who liked Nickelback once and followed their music now following the nay sayers like sheep. This has happened to many great bands throughout music history. People, in general, in this country, are 10 minute fans with Attention Dependent Disorder. They are dependent on keeping up with the masses and can’t have independent thought because of fear of being ostracized by their friends for not being current, which only lasts a minute these days. Remember, this Valley Report is about being comical but cynically satirical humor. Be your own judge and chose what you like not what your told to like. Be your own person!

Lemmy Skynyrd

people can change… it’s ok to like them, but it’s just as ok to say they suck… but some kids coming of age musically might want to move on to something more challenging and interesting than ordinary Walmart rock for soccer moms… the reason I have never, ever liked Nickelback is that I don’t care for boring and unimaginative music… I’ve bought records from the Eagles, Journey, even Loverboy back in the day but over time just outgrew them… some bands are timeless and have staying power and some don’t… so by the time Nickelback came around I didn’t need anyone else to convince me that they blow chunks… and the same thing goes for Coldplay…

Domidious

Bieber is successful too, that doesn’t mean he has talent or is in any way good at what he does.
Being successful doesn’t show anything.
Nickleback is awful.

This is how you remind me of someday.

(YouTube that btw)

dmb41414

I think you mean Nickelback are awful… Not is awful… If you are going to slag them off, at least get your English correct.

Dave Weasel

Nickleback is a singular proper noun. If they were called The Nickelbacks you would be right. Good luck with 7th grade again, they say 3rd time is a charm.

RealRockCritic

Any time you refer to a group of people, regardless of the group’s name, the name is automatically a plural noun, even if the name is a stupid, made up, compound word that represents my intentions as I stand in line at the ticket booth trying to get a refund for the lame concert that I just endured.

jammiedodgaa

Nickelback aren’t just successful, they have talent, actually so does Bieber, we just hate his personality. Both people you mentioned are talented and I hate older Bieber songs like baby..

Michael

Why people are such haters of Nickelback, I don”t know. I think you are all just jealous at how successful they are and unsuccessful you are.

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