OLYMPIA WA, – A 15 year old girl was found dead and pregnant in her room by her parents Friday afternoon. Police were informed of her debaucherous lifestyle including a drug binge that started -for the first time- Thursday evening.
“She went out with her friends last night after dinner, the same sweet girl we always knew and loved. I just don’t know how she can be so irresponsible at such a young age” sobbed her mother, Sam Kennedy, age 29. “We raised her better than that, in church! Her friends said they were laughing hysterically! Hysteria! They were also we to some place to get a ‘Net-fix’, to get whatever a ‘Bob’s Burger’ is. I think that’s code for crack since marijuana is a gateway drug.”
“Frankly, I’m glad she’s dead,” her father Kevin Frum bellowed. “One hit, that’s it. That was our rule. If you hoot, you get the boot. Doing the bong is doing the wrong. I can’t remember the rest, but she died a junky. Marijuana is addictive, because of facts. It’s more addictive than LSD and heroin, also because of facts. It causes pregnancy, like it did our daughter. These are facts.”
EDIT: the teenage girl turned out not to be pregnant, she was just full of Cheetos and Sunkist lemonade, causing what’s known as a ‘food baby’ in the marijuana criminal underworld.
EDIT II: The teenage girl wasn’t dead, just sleeping heavily for 13 hours.