VATICAN CITY – Despite numerous claims of him paying for sex with children in the Dominican Republic, Jozef Wesolowski was accused of not being a child molester by his own lawyer in the opening day of his trial on July 11.
“It’s a serious thing to just come out and say, but I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders,” said his lawyer, probably. “It took so much courage for me to be so bold, considering the overwhelming evidence he is a child abusing pile of shit. Even the Pope believes it. I deserve a hug and a medal.”
This morning the case took a
horrible turn. Wesolowski died of what appears to be natural causes in his Vatican residence.
The unnamed lawyer is now retracting his accusations. “Now that he’s gone, I take back what I said to preserve his memory. Everybody knows he abused those shoeshine boys and I have to live with the fact that I threw out false accusations of him being an innocent man.”
As predicted, no one is claiming the body of Wesolowski. He is expected to be given the traditional Vatican Molester Burial of being thrown in a garbage can and having his body salvaged by alpine marmots.