BOULDER, CO – We’ve all been there. It’s Friday night, you’re at a friend’s housewarming party. People are enjoying themselves, catching up with friends and meeting new ones. But then, out of nowhere, some jackass enters the room with a guitar slung over his shoulder. He puts his foot up on the arm rest someone is already sitting on. It’s inevitable now. He’s going to play the same fucking version of Wagon Wheel we’ve heard 1000 times. He morphs into a humanized dictionary definition of ‘socially inept’. He cheerfully asks, “hey guys, who wants to hear a few tunes,” and starts strumming before he could hear the room collapse into a collective sigh.
Oh no, it’s happening.
No. It’s different this time. “He began playing Boulevard of Broken Dreams,” states one female partygoer. “So I instinctively looked for a rope to hang myself with, but then he started singing. The lyrics were Wonderwall, but he was playing Green Day on the guitar. My mind was blown. I just wanted to have sex with him right then and there.”
“As amazing as that was, that’s not where the magic happened,” another young lady adds. “I was in the bathroom cleaning raspberry vodka infused vomit out of my hair because my name is something like Amber or Becky, but I could still hear it. After the chorus he switched the guitar chords to Wonderwall and was singing Boulevard of Broken Dreams. That has never, ever been done before. There is not even a word in the English language for mashing-up two songs together. I couldn’t handle that much genius talent before me. I simply had to take off my clothes because I also wanted to sleep with him, or maybe joined in with you guys for a little threesome.”
Her boyfriend wasn’t impressed. “I was so mad when all of this was happening. Actually, I was furious because I wasn’t having sex with him. I wouldn’t be upset at all if my girl went home with him that night. If she sleeps with him, then she comes home to me, it’s almost like I had sex with the musical messiah, especially since she never showers when she’s hungover. I learned so much about life and myself that night. I think I’m going to go back to school. Do some volunteering. Give back what I gained from that evening.” His girlfriend Amber, or whatever, agreed. “I too feel like the world is a better place. I haven’t spoke to my parents in a long time. I should call my dad, or my mom, or my equally disappointed set of step-parents and let them know everything is going to be alright.”