Woman stabs boyfriend for not liking Instagram selfie fast enough


DAVE WEASEL

CANTON, OH – A 22 year old woman was arrested after stabbing her boyfriend in the face with a sharpened selfie-stick because he did not like her post on Instagram within the allotted 10 minute timeframe.

woman stabs boyfriend instagram selfie

“This is atrocious, I can’t believe I am being charged for exercising what should be a constitutional right,” says the suspect. “This is 2015. When are the fat cats in Washington going to wake up and realize that when you are in a relationship, you must like your partner’s picture as soon as they post it. If anyone is the victim here, it is me.”

Her lawyer also made a statement. “This young woman acted in self defence, he assaulted her feelings. She spent over 3 hours picking and adjusting the perfect filter for her selfie. She even logged into Facebook Messenger and saw he was ‘online now’ and had yet to acknowledge and validate her appearance, as though he thinks she is ugly. For the man to wait an entire 11 minutes is a senseless, barbaric act of violence towards her self-esteem.”

“This woman is a political prisoner, persecuted because of her race” adds the DA, who plans to drop all charges.  “I too suffer from WGP [white girl problems] and am sick of people trying to hold me accountable for my unreasonable, borderline psychotic reactions to tedious things. Her boyfriend could’ve been doing anything during those 11 minutes, like sleeping with other women. I can’t even imagine the level of anxiety she must’ve felt while sharpening that selfie-stick, waiting for him to return home. The man survived the attack but we will be filing assault charges against him and pursuing the death penalty.”

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

What others say about : Woman stabs boyfriend for not liking Instagram selfie fast enough..


Jonthan Mason

She’s just a coward she knows she’s not the victim she’s just acting this way because she know she’s going to go to prison for what she did she doesn’t have the backbone to admit that she did something wrong so she wants to just try and hope someone will feel sorry for her first of all there’s no way in hell no one would know why that would not be a constitutional right this is all an act so she doesn’t have to face up to what she did she know she did wrong she knows that her boyfriend is the victim the only thing that she doesn’t know is that her plan is too dumb to work

David

Hahaha, that DA is no more than an idiot with the mental capacity equivalent of a fish, the girls attorney is getting paid to represent her so I guess her attorney has to find some excuse to win the case…I guess, and this girl?! Just two words… “damage control.”

Kate

Meeting you was fate
Becoming you’re friend was a choice
But falling in love with you was
beyond my control

why

The majority of comments here have succeeded in making me want to kill myself, both those who think it’s real and those who think it isn’t funny.

VALERIE

It’s just the typical morons out moroning the morons. They’re all over the internet. Invest in a popcorn popper!

Mark

Please do not kill yourself. If you were able to see it was satire and laugh, we need you to stay in the society. The percentages of ignorance is on the rise and we can not afford to loose another rational constituent. On FB I see people post TV show clips of exaggerated ignorant behavior, because the actors are paid and it is in the script. People will hurl negative degrading comments at the actor or actress as if the scene was caught on CCTV security cam, or a personal cell phone. What is happening to people and the severe drop in intelligence and the rise of reactions steeped in large quantities of stupid and emotion. It is long term use of fluoride in the public water systems??? I have seen this most on a person who also posts “open carry” will save the day. I have no idea if armed citizens will or won’t, but something inside gets a bit skeemish to think someone who thinks star wars is a documentary might be entitled to carry a weapon on him at all times.

cory

This woman is a damn idiot who does that you guys are together and he doesnt like you picture who the hell cares she should be in jail

ztomzack

If anyone in this world believed in spell… it wasn’t me. I was “Doubting Thomas” when it had to do with spells, magic, voodoo, and any of those sort, until I had an experiential encounter with a real herbalist. I was on a business trip to Africa which was sponsored by the company I work for. Business class ticket, five star hotel, a personal driver…all kind of luxury of that kind. I was to stay there for a week. On the second day of this trip, I taught I needed to get a girl to warm up my bed for the rest of the days I would be staying there. So, one faithful evening, I asked my driver to take me on a cruise. Into the streets we went and in less than 3mins, I found exactly what I needed. Before I could blink, she already was on my bed because of my luxurious lifestyle. This went on until I left Africa. I went back to the States and lived my normal life. After about 8 months, I fell very sick. Went to the hospital and… I am POSITIVE (HIV). Immediately, my mind flashed back to the girl in Africa because we always were having unprotected sex and I equally had seen ARV in her purse but she said she had just gone to collect it for her father. Foolishly, I never suspected anything. I immediately called this African girl and told her how she just had ended my life. She laughed and told me not to worry about it. I got very angry but she told me she had been cleansed off HIV. I couldn’t believe what she was saying until she sent me a copy of her recently done test result. I begged her for the cure, and without hesitation, she told me about the herbalist that made her whole. I told her that I was going to do anything to get his contact, and immediately, she sent his email address (payospiritsshalospells”AT”yahoo”DOT”com) and I contacted him. In 3 days, I went back to the hospital to get a test done, just as the herbalist had said. Behold… The result… NEGATIVE. All you out there experiencing medical problems beyond scientific solutions, do run to Dr. Payo Shalo for rapid solutions… I no longer am “Doubting Thomas”…lol.

Christina huerta

Even if the article is fake it doesn’t mean this kind of things isn’t happening. There are lots of news reports of things like this occuring. On another matter, people need to stop making up stories because it’s getting really annoying. These people really have nothing better to do.

Purple People Breeder

Omg! And with a selfiestick, i new those things were dangerous, but maybe i will show this to my husband so he will know to like all my pictures from now on…lots of lolz

Mercedes

If someone’s gonna actually kill themselves for someone telling them to online they prolly deserve it anyways. Fucking retards real probl nowadays is they can’t take a joke and are letting social media take over their lives

Robby

I hope the lawyer gets cancer and has his shit family watch him die , you cock suck bitch ass nigger mother fucker.

C

this just made me cringe so hard, I mean whyd she do it and also why the heck is this in the news anyway?

roderick merrill

She’s a beautiful women. Gotta also love psycho girls like that. Though it would be hard to sleep at night . Lol. I would definitly be telling her how beautiful she is every day and night.

Joe

I killed my ex once. I forced her to eat 10 x pills. I just told the police she was suicidal and that I found her like that.

MasterBlaster

The sad part about this article is the fact that it seems true enough that it would happen until you get to the ridiculous actions of the DA. It upsets me that we live in a world where it’s believable that 20 year old white girl would stab her boyfriend for not liking an Instagram photo.

jmxman

this is the stupidest thing I’ve have ever come across in my 5 years of surfing the Internet. Her and her lawyer are idiotic. Her lawyer is the kind of person who would be put with a criminal and he would try and defend him! Faggot.

Brian Charlton

This is outrageous, I mean really… the death penalty!? He is the victim here, the victim to a psycho face stabber. And the fact she did it with a sharpened selfie stick? Was she so deluded as to think she was serving some kind of poetic justice? There are real problems in the world, if your boyfriend doesn’t like your selfie in time is the least of your worries, I mean seriously. Enough about this psychotic bitch though and more about the idiotic, obviously liberal, justice system. The person making decisions in this situation is probably some stupid feminist who is most likely uncharted territory for the deep space nine latex rocket team. In fact, they probably won’t set foot where no man has gone before with this psycho DA bitch.

are you dumb

Are you fucking idiotic? I mean, seriously? If you can’t tell that this article is fake it’s probably because you’re a conservative fuckwad who doesn’t know shit. “obviously liberal” oh PLEASE go educate yourself you piece of trash. The only fucking chance you have of survival is if the feminists take over and keep you locked up feeding you like the animal you are.

fuckingretards2015

Wtf! This is the most retarded shit I have ever read!! people please use the very minimal common sence the good Lord has blessed you with, there is no way this is real, and if you believe it is you honestly need help!!

T

You seem just as uneducated by using the word retarded to express you’re disproportionately strong emotions to responses to a piece of satire. Get out from behind your computer and read a book.

Idiot box

I honestly don’t believe you’re bashing him for using a word. Everybody is so damn butt hurt by this. Get a life people. It was obviously meant to be funny and criticize our modern society for its materialistic views. And yes this has a lot to do with materialism in every sense of the word. I’ve seen a lot of these come through my feed and its very obvious that it was joke. So once again, it’s a joke, not a dick, so don’t take it so hard

VALERIE

Ummmm…your. I need more popcorn. There is nothing better than watching morons trying to out moron morons. 😂

cotmjor

I’m not sure what’s more completely crazy, this story or the fact that people believe it!!! I know now how Obama was elected twice! 🙂

YourMother

What does Obama have to do with this? You’re a fucking idiot, dumb asses like you use every excuse to bash Obama and this has nothing to do with him whatsoever.

Slaps dick across face of your mother

I agree with cotmjor! It takes a stupid person to have voted for Obama and we have a lot of stupid people in this world (your mother)! The article was I joke and a funny one and the post cotmjor made is a reasonable one that people make for a president they don’t like. Which most likely (your mother) you will be making all the time if a president gets voted into office you don’t like! Let me guess your a Hilary Clinton fan cause “OMG SHES A WOMEN AND WE NEED A WOMEN”!!! Fuck off and let the comments get back to making fun of the article

Beatrice

Actually he/she was bashing stupid Americans for electing Obama twice.. looks like you’re one of them.

Mind bender

Have you checked out Obama’s records vs the Republican’s record for the past 8 years? Seriously, if you think that Obama is the problem, then you really do need help.

Beatrice

He is one of the problems… Obama has the lowest approval rating yet. We should’ve impeached his ass by now after all the bullshit he has pulled but congress won’t because it would become another fucking race war…

kristie

This is totally ridiculous!!! I leave my messenger on a lot the woman needs to grow the hell up!!!! She should have the charges brought on her for assault with intent! Glad I don’t live in Ohio! I could just look at someone wrong and they would have the right to kill me? Wtv!!!!

Itella knowlys

Are you serious? Come on…you mean to tell me you actually believed this story? I truly hope you are one of our special children out there. To think that you along with the countless others are the future of this country and society is terrifying! Gullibility is an understatement. Please people, please, I beg you…Educate yourself! Start reading the newspaper or do something to at least try to suppress your ignorance. If your brain cannot make the distinction between a real news article and this, perhaps you should consider offing yourself…or at bare minimum stop sharing your wisdom in the comments section…lol the comments are the only thing funny about this story.

megansmithbowen

I knew it was fake from the first “statement” she gave, about “you must like your partner’s picture as soon as they post it.”

It’s sad that people are so stupid to believe this is real. If you’ve only seen the article name and the basic summary, that’s one thing. If you’ve actually read it, and especially all the way through, there’s absolutely NO excuse (except seriously, mental retardation) to take it seriously, especially given the last sentence about the DA “prosecuting the boyfriend for assault, and that they would be “pursuing the death penalty” against the boyfriend. Wow, just, wow.

T

Leave special needs people out of it. You’re the problem. Want to talk about education? Educate yourself on the offensive and negative image associated with people with disabilities that’s perpetuated by people like you. Also have you ever considered the facy that most american youth use the internet. What if this is a 11 or 12 year old who doesn’t understand satire yet. Then you just told a young child to off themselves. Keep it classy Itella.

Yura Notnice

What’s terrifying is people like “Itella knowlys” telling people to off themselves. I hope your comment at least boosted your self-esteem, seems like you need it.

Itella knowlys

Simmer simmer lol. If you are advocating for people to be mindful of special needs issues, I do not believe this is the forum to do so. Remember, we are commenting on a bogus satirical story. Let’s not lose sight of what my original point was. I was expressing my surprise that so many have become mindless and so naive thru believe everything on the internet. I encourage you to read more than just one person’s comment…

Itella knowlys

and realize I was talking collectively, not singling anyone out. And a child with free reign to the internet has a lot more to worry about than some complete fictional stranger named ” I tell no lies” telling them to off themselves.Jumping to conclusions and taking everything literal is what the problem is in the first place. Clearly this was not an attack on special needs individuals. Stop sounding the violins and making this something it’s not.

Marcos Schneider

Itella still trying to justify herself instead of acknowledging that perhaps she did just say something very hurtful and inappropriate to a child. How sad.

kimmie

Although it may seem ridiculous that someone would actually believe this story to be true, it is not completely ludicrous. Especially when we live in a world where a multiple women are murdered for telling a guy “no” or not giving out her phone number so it might not be too crazy to believe that the other gender could react in such a way. But in no way will it ever be okay for you, or anyone else for that matter, to tell someone to “off” themselves. That is the most disgusting and most low-life thing that someone could tell another person. You should as well educate yourself about the serious consequences of your words. Don’t say it again.

Kieran

I’m not sure if newspapers are a great way to educate yourself or combat ignorance… But I otherwise concur.

lostunicorn5

I’m shocked! I too thought this story was real & I was wondering if I’m allowed to do the same thing here in PA? My husband of 25 years never likes my pictures I post on facebook. I don’t know why, he says it’s cuz he never goes on fb but I don’t believe him, he has more fb friends than I do which is hard to do since I have more than 50. He must be spending every waking moment online in order to have more. Anyway I never actually post self photos but that’s no excuse to not like the pics of trees & food I don’t eat right? Since I don’t have a self stick to sharpen I wonder if that means I can’t get away with the same action? I guess we will just have to wait & see…

Disclaimer for anyone who might not understand “fiction” I’m not planning to stab or injure my loving husband who would never wait 12 minutes to like any picture I post online whether selfish or not. He would like it within 5 minutes if I asked him to

Emily

umm…you do realize this article is fake and a satire right? or are you being sarcastic with your post I can’t tell o.O

Sandy

This isn’t real. You shouldn’t put Ohio down for a fake story. At least our state’s education if better than where ever you come from

VALERIE

Do you seriously not realize it isn’t real? I can’t. I just can’t comprehend this level of moron. 😂

Gideon Coesens

FAKE! Nike hired her to stab her boyfriend just to get some product placement in the news. I mean, look at her shirt, Could they have been more obvious?

gtfo

Your page is fucking stupid. Kill yourself whoever wrote this article! Do it. Kill yourself!

Megan Ditchburn

Ermmm… No wonder this society is fucked up cause people like you, telling others to kill themselves wtf? Do u actually know how many people actually do? Just…no. Stop! 😒

Al Ias

You are a complete pos of a person. What if someone told yoouru to do that because of that comment? Yeah, the article is stupid, but seriously?! You’re going to fail in the real world if you keep up that attitude and behavior.

Lizzy Wurst

Don’t ever tell someone to kill themselves… If you have to scoop down that low to tell someone to do that, you must really not care about anyone. How would you feel if the person actually killed themselves, so if you don’t like this page, get off of it and don’t come back to it, thank you.

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