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Woman stabs boyfriend for not liking Instagram selfie fast enough


DAVE WEASEL

CANTON, OH – A 22 year old woman was arrested after stabbing her boyfriend in the face with a sharpened selfie-stick because he did not like her post on Instagram within the allotted 10 minute timeframe.

woman stabs boyfriend instagram selfie

“This is atrocious, I can’t believe I am being charged for exercising what should be a constitutional right,” says the suspect. “This is 2015. When are the fat cats in Washington going to wake up and realize that when you are in a relationship, you must like your partner’s picture as soon as they post it. If anyone is the victim here, it is me.”

Her lawyer also made a statement. “This young woman acted in self defence, he assaulted her feelings. She spent over 3 hours picking and adjusting the perfect filter for her selfie. She even logged into Facebook Messenger and saw he was ‘online now’ and had yet to acknowledge and validate her appearance, as though he thinks she is ugly. For the man to wait an entire 11 minutes is a senseless, barbaric act of violence towards her self-esteem.”

“This woman is a political prisoner, persecuted because of her race” adds the DA, who plans to drop all charges.  “I too suffer from WGP [white girl problems] and am sick of people trying to hold me accountable for my unreasonable, borderline psychotic reactions to tedious things. Her boyfriend could’ve been doing anything during those 11 minutes, like sleeping with other women. I can’t even imagine the level of anxiety she must’ve felt while sharpening that selfie-stick, waiting for him to return home. The man survived the attack but we will be filing assault charges against him and pursuing the death penalty.”

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

What others say about : Woman stabs boyfriend for not liking Instagram selfie fast enough..


Maria

I understand this is a satire site, however, I don’t think it is right to use someones photo without their permission. Especially when most readers don’t understand that it is a fictional article (due to the comments being left). That is wrong. Use one of your employees photos for that shit.

Von

I for one am appalled. Such overreaction is a blatant sign of the dependencies that we, as a society, are slaves to concerning social media and online validation. The amount of narcissism in the world today is absolutely mind blowing and incidences like these need to be taken seriously.

I am a gullible dumb fuck and shouldn’t be allowed to use the internet without supervision.

Issac H.

Holy crap is this real? I need to know, my 12th birthday depends on it!!! *Scrolls down through 800 comment asking if it’s real…* SO IS THIS REAL OR NOT!?!?!

Benjamin Cecil

Real or not, a man can do many things in that long 11mins. Anything from sleeping with another girl, making a sandwich when he’s done, let the dogs out to pee, and be back to instagram with 8mins to spare

Maxx

How gullible are people to believe this story and stupid for posting it on here? Slowly losing my faith in humanity.

ben

I don’t know what is funnier – the headline, the story, or the comments of people who thought it was real. Loved it

ben

If you had stabbed me for a pic , id kick your head off your shoulders ,bleach you from the inside out .and rip your ribs out

Hayley

I feel sorry for the woman who’s photo they are using. I read an article two days ago with the same photograph of a woman and an entirely different name and story. In this one she had split with her boyfriend and keyed his car spelling the swear word wrong. It was something about her being the dumbest criminal. So rest assured if you couldn’t tell just by the absurdity of the story please know there are probably loads of different stories attributed to this woman’s photo.

MaxPlanck

This piece is hilarious!

The comments are frightening. Especially the one about shaming her and shaving her head. Stupid enough that people don’t realize this is great satire, but why shame a hypothetical perpetrator? Jeez.

Rasheed Trabel

Dammnnnn…… this bitch crazy if one of my bitchz tried anything like dis i would think twice of pullin out da 9 and i wouldnt think twice of putting a bullit in the bitchz brain damn phycotic bitchz id have her in a body bag off the harbour in 5 mins i pray for this nigga

You Morons

This just proves my theory that 90% of the population is incompetent! The story is fake you idiots! But you probably won’t even read this comment. Sigh…

Aaron P

Of course it’s fake. This still made me laugh for a good minute. The death penalty bit is what sold me

JAP

For Pete sake you people do realize this is what is called satire, right? As they are making fun of people exactly like you, that would believe something like this. Please tell me you people are the minority. Otherwise by all means, stab me with the selfie stick from this article, right in the temple! I don’t wanna live to see the day you guys have offspring… Geesh

Anonymous

If in any way whoever wrote this article is implying that the girl in the picture is guilty of this “satirical crime” you need to take this down. Whatever kind of weird website this is is going to get charged with slander. It is illegal to post pictures of people and lie about them. This is plain weird. Take this down.

you are stupid

Nowhere in the article does it say that the woman pictured is the woman they are speaking of. For all you know they paid that woman to use the picture in the first place. The fucking article is funny so just dick it up.

DeZ

I’m sure it’s someone associated with the website or has given her consent to use her photo.

Jamie

If you guys really got through this entire article and still think this is real, there really is no hope for humanity.

I hope for the sake of the world none of you reproduce.

jay

the amount of people in the comments who are under the impression this is real is ridiculous

Piper

Not as good as the article about ‘Teen tries weed for the first time, gets pregnant; then dies’, but the comments are on point! 😉 x 1000

sakura1222

Woow
A new level of stupidity is here
Stabbing a person because they didn’t like your instagram picture? Are you serious?
Honestly people do anything to get into an argument. A pointless argument may I add.

Susan

Is this mess for real? How in the hell can they even print such self centered childish crap? Really a selfie! If it only takes him 11 minutes to have sex. Why the hell would she wanna keep him. If this is real. Her, the lawyer and the D.A all need to be put somewhere together. She can see how fast he likes her mug shot. Smdh! Stupid crap. Straight up ignorance

chi chi

Is this a joke? That whole story is insane. That woman should have her head shaved. She should be shamed!!

Omg!!

Wow!! After reading this I just can’t believe it. I really think this is a stoopid reason to stab your boyfriend. Really *smh* it amaze me how far females would take social network like Facebook, Instagram and ect…so far. I wouldn’t even care if my boyfriend like my pics or not. There is no reason to stab you boyfriend for stoopid reason for that. That’s just shameful and I’m a women too and I’m ashamed for her *smh*

kay

Are you mad. This is clearly not real obvs. You can tell by the quotes alone. Lol 100% taking the mick out of people these days

Jamie

*stupid.

Really? Like really? Jesus. Why do people intentionally choose to misspell words? Especially STUPID. Smh. It’s not cute.

joe

your.a.moron.and.people.wonder.why.domestic.viilets.is.getting.so.bad.its.because.of.dumbasses.like.you

Tom Williams

I feel terrible about this. I hope he decides she’s a little too high maintenance and finds a nice girl who isn’t in to stabbing him with selfie sticks in the face.

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