DAVE WEASEL

EDISON, NJ – During a recent tour stop in New Jersey, Donald Trump made his stance clear on immigration and what he plans on doing about it.

“I want to make America great again,” Trump states to much fan-fare. “These vague, pandering statements are more than just hot air to me. I will start by deporting all immigrants, legal and otherwise. I hate immigrants! I was at Taco Bell yesterday ordering tasty Mexican food and some Mexican was taking my order! I put on the appropriate rubber gloves and a hazmat suit to enjoy my meal.  Mexicans.  Go back to Alaska already!”

When politely informed Alaska is part of America, Trump disagreed.

“Look, fart-face. Alaska is on top of Canada, which is on top of Yugoslavia, which is on top of South Africa.  Alaska is way down there beside Atlantis. How can that be a part of America when Mexican City, Alaska is in the state of Japan. That’s where Mexicans come from! You’re fired!”

Trump’s wife, Melania, is an immigrant from Slovenia.  When asked if she would be included in the deportation despite her legal immigration status, Trump stood his ground.  “Yes, that includes my wife.  In fact, this especially includes my wife.”