The Valley Report

Newsworthy News

Woman arrested for stinking up bathroom and closing down restaurant

DAVE WEZL

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Police and fire-paramedics were called to a restaurant when it had to close its doors early on Tuesday evening after a woman spent 45 minutes in the bathroom causing ‘unbearable, inhuman stench’.

stinky

The 34 year old woman kicked open the restaurant doors, shouting “out of the way, I’m prairie-dogging!” and ran through the dining area, which was at capacity.

“We were so crowded, people were waiting up to two hours for a table,” says the hostess. “In comes this crazy woman, already smelling like she dumped her pants, running towards the bathroom.”

One customer adds, “I couldn’t breathe. I knew she was in there blasting fudge monkeys, but the smell was toxic. I had to take my son to the hospital, they thought he was exposed to sulphur. This woman is a monster, human beings are not capable of something so foul.”

The first responding firefighters had to go in with oxygen tanks. “Never in my 30 years on the job have I seen anything so rancid,” states the Fire Chief. “It was dangerous sending my guys in there, but we had to rescue the 200+ people trapped and unable to move. These men are heroes.”

The woman was arrested for domestic terrorism and held on $4 000 000 bail.

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240 comments on “Woman arrested for stinking up bathroom and closing down restaurant

  1. Fyre
    July 24, 2016

    Hmm..I think this woman unleashed Americas next gen weaponry

    Like

  2. James Lemper
    July 17, 2016

    How fake is this story? Sounds so made up. Like a total snl skit.

    Like

  3. Wesley Horton
    July 16, 2016

    Too damn funny, but someone. . what the hell is ” prairie-dogging!”

    Like

    • Tiffany
      July 18, 2016

      Have you ever seen the movie “rat race?” Haha this is going to sound gross but…… it’s when your poop is poking in and out of your you know what.. sorry for having to be the one to explain this to you but you asked. Smh

      Like

    • Sunny
      July 18, 2016

      lol You know a little prairie dog will pop his little head out of the ground? Well, when the little poo poo does that we call it “prairie doggin'”. :) lol

      Like

      • Sunny
        July 18, 2016

        Also known as “turtle head”. LOL

        Like

    • Brett
      July 19, 2016

      Gopher nose

      Like

  4. Fawn Francis
    July 13, 2016

    I was attracted to read the story because of the shock value. And that’s what I got. Personally- why do we need to care if it happened? I need to laugh at things that are likely to not happen – but just thinking about if perhaps this did/could happen, makes my problems seem minuscule. It gives me gratitude. (we as a society complain about all the negativity on the news) and I feel like the writer is just trying to lighten our spirits during difficult times. Thank you writer, I appreciate your humor and efforts. *imagine if we used all our passionate opinions about this – as a team – uniting to fix a real problem* That’s what I’m talking about. :) ~Fawn~

    Like

  5. Shawn
    July 12, 2016

    That’s my kind of woman!!

    Like

  6. Tony
    July 3, 2016

    It can happen. The “soaked” which can adhere to the intestines can sometimes release and wow! Empty out a two story building. It can be very intense.
    I simply cannot say that the message is false. I have been in a place where the smell was so very bad so very strong it actually took your breath. Strong sulphur smell. Evacuation was the only escape.

    Like

    • David
      July 9, 2016

      How can you charge some one with domestic terrorism and place them on a 4 million dollar bound for taking a shit! This is unbelievable.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jeff
        July 12, 2016

        Do you seriously believe that story?

        Like

    • indytate
      July 11, 2016

      LOL, this has to be false, her bond was 4 million dollars!

      Like

  7. Toupie
    June 8, 2016

    Why is shit tapered at the end?
    So your asshole don’t slam shut!!

    Like

  8. Willy Maykit
    May 24, 2016

    This isn’t the last time Hillary will be arrested for stinking up a room. It’s real cute they way the writer avoided mentioning her by name and used a generic photo of a woman. Coward.

    Liked by 1 person

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  10. Skippy
    May 13, 2016

    The article is very good. It provided a layer of realism in that everyone reading it has at least once in their life emptied the tank to the great dismay of others, up to and including the family pets. I know back when i was a heavy beer drinker and sausage eater, my dog was ashamed of me. I often had to talk and coax him into going for a walk with me.

    Like

    • Michael Castro
      July 10, 2016

      It’s not real. It’s a humor site.mja

      Liked by 1 person

      • Skippy
        July 10, 2016

        Wow!! Thank you, professor. Obviously you read the article and surmised it was satire, but yet failed to see the satire in my response. Do us all a favor, realize when you are reading the comments on this site, we ALL know the article is satirical, OK?? You are not smarter than any of us!! In fact, quite the opposite is true.

        Like

  11. I.M. Pistoff
    May 12, 2016

    Speaking of stink, this whole site smells like Onion…

    Liked by 1 person

  12. 1701
    May 7, 2016

    Real or not fantastic writing. I took 10 minutes to read a three paragraph bit great shit even if Bullshit.

    Like

  13. Craig
    May 2, 2016

    Best article and responses, EVER!!!

    Like

  14. theegglestongroup
    April 28, 2016

    I laughed my ass off for Ten Minutes. It’s OBVIOUS Satire, but I guess it must be true, otherwise they wouldn’t let you put it on the Internet.

    ;-/ <– For the snarky impaired

    Like

    • Bud
      April 29, 2016

      Obvious satire? What is it satiring?

      Like

      • Michael Castro
        July 10, 2016

        It’s humor. Not satire.

        Like

    • Linda
      May 9, 2016

      This must be true or otherwise they won’t use that woman’s pic.

      Like

  15. neil
    April 27, 2016

    I’d date her

    Like

    • tiff
      May 5, 2016

      wow ur sick

      Like

  16. Lori
    April 27, 2016

    Some call this satire… I call this a sad attempt at “creative” writing. The writers pull a story straight out of their asses & ironically the story freaking stinks! Satire usually would have some sort of profound “statement” or something to point out about our day to day lives whilst doing so in a humorous, yet ironic manner… These stories are just all a made up load of crap that hold no baring on reality what so ever & 98% of anyone with a brain knows it’s total bullshit. I’m inclined to think that the people that post as if they believe it’s true are somehow being ironic themselves. This site needs better writers!!! Just so you know, I’m available for the right price!!

    Like

    • John Blernt
      April 30, 2016

      Thanks, Lori. To your point please email us a copy of your updated resume, emphasizing the humorous, yet ironic stories you’ve written to date. Nothing too funny, please, as this would violate our publication standards. Oh, and for the record, we think it’s great that you’re inclined to think. Talk about exceeding expectations…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I doubt anyone could match the unbridled humor of a poop story.
        Target demographic of ten-year-olds?

        Like

      • Michael Castro
        July 10, 2016

        Not with her spelling “skills” or her inability to know the difference between irony and satire.

        Like

    • Christa
      May 1, 2016

      *bearing.

      Like

    • Kelly Marshall
      May 6, 2016

      Seriously????? You didn’t even spell ‘bearing’ correctly. Idiot

      Like

  17. tak
    April 27, 2016

    People who think this article is real need to be systematically removed from the gene pool. Idiots.

    Liked by 1 person

    • adolf
      April 27, 2016

      just like the jews

      Like

      • orthodoc
        April 27, 2016

        Fuck you. How’s that?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hollicaust Survivor
        April 28, 2016

        🖕🏼

        Like

      • Babaar
        May 1, 2016

        Go fuck yourself….go put a hood on your head and hide your fucking face.

        Like

      • Babaar
        May 1, 2016

        Go fuck yourself….go put a hood on your head and hide your fucking face

        Like

      • Captain America
        May 4, 2016

        Idiot! You know I hope whatever race or religion you belong to they decide to exterminate you next! You have no idea of the horror Hitler put the Jews through and I don’t say this often but I really hope something horrible happens to you because you’re a horrible excuse for a human being and you deserve some really bad karma for making idiotic comments like that! I hope some Jew comes knocks on your door and kicks your ass to teach you a lesson. Go Fuck Yourself up the ass with the biggest dildo they make you sick fuck!

        Like

      • michael gwirtz
        May 8, 2016

        Jesus, Mary and Joseph, and many apostles you probably pray to are Jews.

        Like

      • whathaveyou55
        July 7, 2016

        May you find yourself naked and alone at 3 AM in the middle of East St. Louis. That’s about the worst curse I can wish upon you, you walking piece of sh**.

        Like

  18. Lanette
    April 26, 2016

    You have not been to Weat Texas since my oldest daughter had her Weight loss surgery. She can run everyone out of the house even with the exhaust fans on. When she has to go she has to go. When she passes gas it’s just as bad.

    Like

  19. Shannon
    April 26, 2016

    This article is bullshit. 4 million in bsil for taking a shit? They don’t give murderers or rapists that much. Piss poor. Boooooo.

    Like

  20. themadcreatornc17
    April 26, 2016

    Reblogged this on The Mad Creator's Weblog.

    Like

  21. jim
    April 26, 2016

    police should have something better to do this sound so stupid

    Like

  22. Karl Hubrath
    April 26, 2016

    One customer adds, “I couldn’t breathe. I knew she was in there blasting fudge monkeys, but the smell was toxic. I had to take my son to the hospital, they thought he was exposed to sulphur. This woman is a monster, human beings are not capable of something so foul.”
    People, I think that this guy is an idiot, just saying, God bless.

    Like

    • Charles Hammond
      April 29, 2016

      God also bless the people who are so benighted as to think this article describes something that actually happened.

      Like

  23. Karl Hubrath
    April 26, 2016

    People, please, he had to take his kid to the hospital? LMAO. People, even if the kid got sprayed with a skunk, why would he have to go to the hospital? People, I think she is a very beautiful young lady and if I were 30 years younger…. Anyway, I am not sooooo. God bless you beautiful tinky Prairie dog.

    Like

  24. mjr
    April 26, 2016

    I’ve heard that term prairie dogging before…have also heard “I’m crowning”

    Like

  25. Rll
    April 26, 2016

    You’re post are so full of crap. You make this stuff up. No one is gonna run through a restaurant yelling stuff like that. Go get a real job!!!!!

    Like

  26. NEAL
    April 14, 2016

    BS x deuce! “I’M PRAIRIE DOGGING!!” 😛

    Like

  27. Jewell
    April 4, 2016

    Swiney had the best comment by far I’m still cracking up laughing!

    Like

  28. chris
    March 12, 2016

    People are the most crybaby people in this world arrested u people need to be arrested for acting like babies u should see what people do to ur food in restaurants so next time u order food make sure u check it I had a friend that cooked and when they toke it back for something he use to rub it in dish water it funny I think

    Like

    • Avery
      March 17, 2016

      English, please.

      Like

    • L.m.m.
      March 17, 2016

      sat·ire
      ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/
      noun
      the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
      synonyms: mockery, ridicule, derision, scorn,

      Liked by 1 person

  29. limosinternational
    March 11, 2016

    sounds like some serious shit

    Liked by 1 person

  30. M
    March 11, 2016

    What a load of a “Bullshit” story….

    Like

  31. eddie
    March 11, 2016

    Umm this can happen my friend expireinced a similar story at her friends bar the dude emptyed the
    Bar

    Like

  32. James
    March 11, 2016

    Mug shot real, story fake and funny. I no this chick!

    Like

    • Sarah
      July 23, 2016

      You really know her?! Noooo way!! Why would they post up her pic with this fucked up story

      Like

  33. ss
    March 11, 2016

    This is stupid.

    Like

  34. kelly
    March 11, 2016

    Please read the site disclaimer 😒😒… it’s definitely fake

    Like

  35. Swiney
    March 11, 2016

    “Blasting fudge monkeys” LMFAO!

    Like

  36. Chris Madden
    March 11, 2016

    Come on people, who hasn’t down a Donald Trump size dump once in a while?

    Like

  37. frank
    March 10, 2016

    At first I thought it was my wife but then I saw what state it happened in and I was like ok at least I don’t have to bail the stinky bitch out. And for those of you who say this isn’t real come on down to south Texas and take a whiff after my wife has been in the sh$tree for an hour. Then you will say it could happen.

    Like

    • Ashley
      March 10, 2016

      Oh my god… this was funnier than the news post!

      Like

  38. Angelina
    March 10, 2016

    I actually heard this exact story on the radio about a week ago. They suggested that it WAS real. It just goes to show how fake the media is…

    Like

  39. Otis Kirkland
    March 10, 2016

    I call bullshit!

    Like

  40. Al pacinos
    March 10, 2016

    Awesome

    Like

  41. Patsy Stoned
    March 9, 2016

    It is too real! It’s real!

    Like

  42. Todd James
    February 28, 2016

    I’m glad they caught her–she’s known for releasing methane in such concentrations so as to store it and create deadly explosives that rival the power of an H-Bomb. She even had plans to fart in Times Square thereby killing millions.

    Liked by 1 person

  43. Dave Collis
    February 24, 2016

    This is not real. I cannot believe how gullible people are

    Like

    • Todd James
      February 28, 2016

      Yeah guy, that’s the point of satirical news sites Ok? Are you going to The Onion next to point out that it’s not real?

      Like

      • theegglestongroup
        April 28, 2016

        Yeah, right. And next you’ll try to tell us Pro Wrestling isn’t real.
        ;-/ <– for the snarky impaired.

        Like

    • Autumn
      March 9, 2016

      Of course it’s not real. It’s still hilarious!

      Like

    • Travis Rowland
      March 10, 2016

      I hear she was working with the notorious Isis terrorists I-bin Pharteen and U-Bin Pharteen… as well as their fixer Izheet Mi-Draus.

      Like

    • John
      March 10, 2016

      Dude I was there! It was as real as the ground you are standing on right now.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Sue
      March 10, 2016

      Dave, did you know that if you say “gullible” real slow it sounds like “orange”?

      Like

      • xen ang (@xen_ang)
        March 12, 2016

        No it doesn’t.

        Like

      • theegglestongroup
        April 28, 2016

        On a related not, Why Isn’t ‘gullible’ in the dictionary?

        Like

    • Mike Yzaguirre
      March 11, 2016

      WOW the real Cpt. Obvious what a pleasure !

      Liked by 1 person

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This entry was posted on September 1, 2015 by in Crime, Dave Weasel, News, Top 10.

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