RICHMOND, VA – In a recent study conducted by scientists at the National Science Research Place have concluded marijuana is up to 30x more harmful than crack, and 70x more addictive.
The researches were able to prove that marijuana, or “weed” as it’s known on the streets, causes a short term, intense high that leaves you craving more of the drug. The report says that marijuana junkies are often “violent, desperate people, with not much going on in their lives.”
“This is a national pandemic,” head researcher, the Master of Science states. “The long term effects of prolonged marijuana use include severe brain damage, nervous system failure and virtually all marijuana users will one day die. Marijuana junkies often resort to criminal activity to get their fix, such as armed robbery and murder.”
The study finds crack-cocaine not as dangerous as previously reported. “Crack addicts are mostly recreational users. It’s more of a mellow high. Side effects include the giggles and frequent stops to 7-11. I would say crack is generally harmless if used in mild dosages.”
The NSRP also debunked the ‘one glass of red wine per day is healthy’ myth. “It’s a total urban legend that one glass of red wine is healthy for you, it’s more of a tease. To get any real benefits you need to have at least 8 glasses per day, and it doesn’t have to be wine. You can substitute each glass for 12oz of straight vodka, whiskey, beer or anything with alcohol in it.”
When asked about the subjects used in the study, one scientist confirmed it was themselves. “To really understand the effects of the different drugs, we administered them to ourselves. In fact, I’m high on crack right now.”