The Valley Report

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New study proves marijuana more harmful than crack-cocaine

DAVE WEASEL

RICHMOND, VA – In a recent study conducted by scientists at the National Science Research Place have concluded marijuana is up to 30x more harmful than crack, and 70x more addictive.

Heroin addict

The researches were able to prove that marijuana, or “weed” as it’s known on the streets, causes a short term, intense high that leaves you craving more of the drug. The report says that marijuana junkies are often “violent, desperate people, with not much going on in their lives.”

“This is a national pandemic,” head researcher, the Master of Science states. “The long term effects of prolonged marijuana use include severe brain damage, nervous system failure and virtually all marijuana users will one day die. Marijuana junkies often resort to criminal activity to get their fix, such as armed robbery and murder.”

The study finds crack-cocaine not as dangerous as previously reported. “Crack addicts are mostly recreational users. It’s more of a mellow high. Side effects include the giggles and frequent stops to 7-11. I would say crack is generally harmless if used in mild dosages.”

The NSRP also debunked the ‘one glass of red wine per day is healthy’ myth. “It’s a total urban legend that one glass of red wine is healthy for you, it’s more of a tease. To get any real benefits you need to have at least 8 glasses per day, and it doesn’t have to be wine.  You can substitute each glass for 12oz of straight vodka, whiskey, beer or anything with alcohol in it.”

When asked about the subjects used in the study, one scientist confirmed it was themselves. “To really understand the effects of the different drugs, we administered them to ourselves. In fact, I’m high on crack right now.”

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12 comments on “New study proves marijuana more harmful than crack-cocaine

  1. The Weed Fried Your Last 2 Brain Cells
    March 29, 2017

    All the stoners and pot heads think this article is real. Oh the irony.

    Like

  2. anfieldcat420
    December 8, 2016

    The Weasel strikes again! Great content brother!

    Like

  3. Patrick Helie
    October 7, 2016

    Who ever edited this article is a complete moron.

    Like

  4. Eric Shadenfreux
    August 3, 2016

    I’m glad someone is going against the propaganda by the mainstream media. Marijuana is the devil! Keep up the good work brother!

    Like

    • Rick Grimes
      August 5, 2016

      Dont any of you people realize this is a fake news website?

      Like

  5. Gia
    July 13, 2016

    My sister smoked weed for 20years…never had any problems with it. Then she started smoking crack and is now in prison for 8years due to desperation to get crack. This article is total fuckin bullshit!

    Like

  6. David Linsell
    April 29, 2016

    Thank God someone has finally had the balls to speak out against the Devils Lettuce. I used to be a successful actor & musician, now after slamming up to 5 or 6 marijuanas a day for 5 years it’s all I can do to remember to pull my pants down when defecating. Bravo sir!

    Like

  7. Weeman
    April 15, 2016

    that article has to be a joke , I myself conducted my own experiment for 10 years now and nothing has changed marijuana does its job like keep my demons at bay so that I can deal with people’s b.s. on day to day basis so I don’t go water boy on there ass’s lol

    Like

  8. Peek
    April 15, 2016

    I’m a pot head I work ever day and I’m just fine with out it the government is got us all fucked up

    Like

  9. Stephanie
    April 15, 2016

    This is a load of crap!!! Marijuana Madness!! This is not 1970 people, your article doesn’t fool us!

    Like

  10. Heidi Pettersen
    April 14, 2016

    – When asked about the subjects used in the study, one scientist confirmed it was themselves. “To really understand the effects of the different drugs, we administered them to ourselves. In fact, I’m high on crack right now.”

    – all marijuana users will one day die

    LMAO….D .D .D

    Like

  11. Wallflower Mellomad
    April 14, 2016

    This is a joke right? There isnt a citation in this article, so im calling B.S.

    Like

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This entry was posted on September 2, 2015 by in Crime, Dave Weasel, Science, Top 10.

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