Ireland’s economy collapses after McDonald’s wages raised to $15/hr


ERIC NORDQUIST

Ireland’s McDonald’s chain raised workers salaries to what translates to $15 US at the start of 2015 — it wasn’t long before the economy collapsed and left the people of Ireland not much more than a tired, poor, huddled mass.

irish business jerk

Ordinary citizens like Gilly McCuddy are saying: “This spring I was making $16 and the workers at McDonald’s only made like $8. Suddenly they’re only making one dollar less than me per hour? My social standing was completely devalued overnight. I was so depressed I had to quit my own job, go on welfare and rely on our socialist health care system here, so I won’t have much longer to live.”

The system couldn’t support the multitudes falling victim to the depression stemming from other people’s earnings. Local bar-tender and owner of the Blarney Stone Inn Franklin Flaherty who preferred not to be identified was quoted as saying “It’s simple math – if they get a raise that size, then I deserve a much bigger raise to maintain the..the gap of…how much better I am than they are! But I own my own business. I can’t give myself a raise unless I start charging more for my goods & services. So I doubled the price of my drinks, and then no one would buy. Well I was so angry, I torched the Inn and now my family and I are on the streets, and it’s all thanks to bloody McDonald’s employees.”

After I returned to the US, Senator Rand Paul sat down with me to discuss what it would mean if this wage rise was ever reproduced in his home state of California. He greets me with a firm handshake and I ask if he’s been overseas to see the devastation yet. “No, but you see, this is exactly why we cannot allow these so-called workers this luxury. Not only should we not raise wages — We must lower the minimum wage or better yet, erase it completely and let the invisible hand of the market take control. All government bureaucracies must end including the FDA. And if it turns out one day that, for example.. malnourished, vengeful McDonald’s employees making $1 an hour are flat-out pouring poison into the food and it’s killing millions of Americans — well McDonald’s will lose business, won’t they? And some other businesses will come out on top, so it all works out fine in the long run. Look, I can tell you, as soon as I am commander-in-chief, we will forever shut down the American government in its entirety, even if it’s the last thing I do as a politician.”

Senator Paul sniffs his McDouble and puts it back down. “If only a restaurant like a Taco Bell could run on slave labor, in 20-25 years it would be the only fast food franchise still standing.” Struck by such a moment of genius, he then pulls out his phone, tweets out what he just said to me, and former “Governator” Arnold Schwartzenegger tweets back: “I’ll believe that when I’m the President. ha ha ha ha.” Sylvester Stallone couldn’t be reached for comment.

As for Ireland, they have a long road to recovery. The stories of Gilly McCuddy and Franklin Flaherty are just two of millions. The economy has collapsed. Every McDonald’s location has closed its doors like so many Blockbuster Videos. The citizens are up shite creek without a paddle. If my photographer hadn’t gotten sick from the smell, I would’ve had proof of it. But what’s left is a faded memory of golden arches and the low wages of a bygone era.

A McDonald’s employee-turned-homeless-loser told me “We made a grave mistake thinking we deserved more. As you probably know, everyone here in Ireland used to enjoy a Shamrock Shake, two… sometimes three times a day, year-round. And you couldn’t beat those french fries. Well it’s all in the past now. This country will be potato-starved like never before. Well almost.”

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

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