God’s having a flash sale on abortions this year. It’s apparently the coolest new trend.
The pope declared this week that women could be forgiven for having an abortion. No more will females of all ages be cast down into the fiery pits of hell where the wretched women of the last thousand years will have to remain.
Even though God was overwhelmingly fond of abortion in Biblical times, the all-powerful creator of the universe spoke out against abortion via the use of Popes down through the centuries. It seems He’s changed his mind again. Some say the Roman Catholic Church was going through a rough patch with a neighboring empire sometime during the Dark Ages and didn’t want potential future-Christians going to waste. But abortion seems to have been decriminalized in the eyes of the Lord this week. The supreme being may be infallible but, in His infinite wisdom, He does wait to hear the dominant tide of prayers rising from the Earth to decide how to interject Himself into everyday matters from the catastrophic down to the mundane. We all know that God has a master plan for the universe, but luckily for us, He is easily swayed by peer pressure. Could prayer be what’s behind this change of heart? Some folks say no.
In recent years, more and more people have suspected the Judeo-Christian deity may be a “She” and not a “He” as traditionally depicted in art. Local scientist: “The sins that God considers to be worthy of eternal torture keep changing. Mortal man will never understand it. So in other words, God must be a woman. Or transitioning. That’s my theory anyway. But it’s just a theory, like gravity.”
That was 2008. A lot’s changed since then. Today that Christian scientist is the leader of a radical new megachurch of which current presidential candidate Deez Nutz, 15, is a member. Deez Nutz is now the clear Republican front-runner since Donald Trump went bankrupt for the 5th and 6th time last week and dropped out of the race. Deez Nutz said of the church: It’s not only radical, it’s bitchin’.