TOPEKA, KS – An official from the Westboro Baptist Church confirmed they accepted the application of Kim Davis.
“It’s been a dream of mine since I was a little boy,” states an emotional Davis. “They have a very strange and gruelling application process, but it was worth it in the end. I proved I had a martyr complex like a champ.”
A man from the church who identifies himself as Divine Executioner was able to make a statement. “I was the one who first took Kim’s application three black moons ago. She showed initiative by bringing in her own live chicken to bite the head off. From there we went to phase two; given a puppy she is to raise for three years before killing it with her bare hands and eating it raw. We knew she was one of us when she did so with such delight in her eyes. Finally we took her picketing at a gay rock and roll concert. She said ‘this isn’t enough of a monstrosity. I’m going to become a Notary Public and look people in the eye and tell them I won’t comply with their human rights.’ We celebrated that night. We smeared goat blood in our faces and drank it from wine glasses. It was a Wednesday Ritual to remember.”
“The best part was the Chamber of Farts,” recalls Davis. “They put on these hooded cloaks and make you walk down an aisle of butts pointed at you, lofting farts with their protest signs. They said it’s to give me the unmistakable stench of evil.”
Davis has requested to bunk in an all-female dorm to explore some ‘new feelings’ she developed in prison.