New app ‘Dumpster Fire’ connects singles 30 minutes before & after bar closes


DAVE WEASEL

MIAMI, FL – A controversial mobile app is taking the singles scene by storm, while causing quite a stink with people of morality.

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“The app only activates between 2:00 and 3:00 am, when users are most desperate urgent to meet someone,” says the app developer. “It’s exactly like Tinder’s ‘yes or no’ model but it’s much more accurate. Women are required to put in their age, weight, bust size and check off all the sexual practices she’s willing to do.  Men are only required to type in how much cocaine they have. The lower a woman’s age and weight and the higher her bust size and sexual practices, the more likely she’ll be matched with a man to keep her up all night.”

One female user named Offensive2AllSenses has been using the app for over a year “Since I turned 25 I had to add more sexual practices to get some decent matches, but I still like it. I’m just sick of the sigma that comes with it, you know? I don’t know why my husband gets so heartbroken when I use it, he only finds out about it 10% of the time. In a way it’s his own fault because he doesn’t fulfill my need to sleep with a different stranger every week. If I planned on living past 30, I wouldn’t have married someone who can afford a funeral. So like, stop slut shaming me.”

“It really turned my life around,” states one repulsive male user named DwithCCaine. “Before, I couldn’t even get prostitutes to come in the car with me. Now, I’m hooking up with women way out of my league and it only costs me $150 per night, unless I murder them.”

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Dave Weasel

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