Sarah Palin: God takes ‘magic dumps’ to preserve American language


ERIC NORDQUIST

WASHINGTON, DC – At a recent pro-war rally, Sarah Palin explained how she would like to help Donald Trump fix America with the help of God.

palin

“You see, God dumped gold and frankincense and all other kinds of energy in America. Oil, gas, minerals? God doesn’t need these things, so he said get this outta here. It’s here for us in this nation to enjoy as Americans — cause again — and of course — for this nation of which we can be free. Every time God takes a dump, a new power source is discovered. Energy is just another word for God’s poop & pee. I want to be put in charge of energy under Donald Trump because it would be a short-term job. I would quit half way through and shut it down because let’s let, for gosh sakes, the states control what the energy is that they find for mankind’s use.” Palin was speaking at a rally against the recent US-Iran peace treaty. She criticized the terms of the proposal and outlined the importance of clearer language: “But God however, because he does his business here so we as free Americans can have the energy for us to prosper and not rely on other bad nations where foreigners are. Ya know, if I-I-I-I-I were in char-r-r-rge, <applause break> all people would speak American, because that’s where we are here in the U S of A. It’s a benefit of Mr. Jeb Bush with the connections to speak Spanish because of family that he can have, but well that’s one of those issues too where it goes right over the public’s head! Let’s send the message hey, you better be speakin’ American. Do you think God wants to hear prayers comin’ up there in some, I don’t know, gobbledegook? Heck no! Right?”

She finished her talk by suggesting a correlation between the ideal energy & foreign policies: “Pitbulls can’t be mavericks unless they play lipstick hockey, so call the dogs off, Obama, and I can tell ya, ok, God has blessed my home state with so much gosh darn magic feces — God’s just crappin’ it out left right and center don’tcha know. And that’s another thing, too, ya know Alaska produces 90% of our country’s natural fossils. Most other states only have 50% and the other half of ’em don’t even have that. That’s because I’m from Alaska so I need to be in charge of the Office of The Electric Company instead of those darn fatcats in Washington who, and again, scientists. We should rely on ourselves. For those who would blow up America, we must not allow any treaty from Obama with Iran and places everywhere like such as. We must not have peace cause it will lead to war. Waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists. Let’s get off our rear ends and get a-baptizin’! God bless Israel! Thank you.”

Donald Trump says he would love to have Sarah Palin in his cabinet: “Winning! You’re gonna get tired of winning. I’m very smart. Very smart. They’d call me a super genius of all time, democrats would say, if I was on their side. It’s true! Good genes. Very good genes. Definitely, definitely good genes. We must stop this peace deal with Iran. It’s very stupid. Very very stupid. I will negotiate with Iran. I make wonderful deals. Wonderful. Persians. I’m fantastic at nuclear and at military and I speak American.”

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

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