LINCOLN, NE – Seven monkeys are on the loose today in downtown Lincoln after a drunk zookeeper left the gate open causing one of the biggest zoo-breaks in history, and residents are okay with the thought of it.
“These monkeys are not your friends, no matter how much fun you think they are,” says the Police Chief. “Although not all monkeys are dangerous, we are not taking any chances. Do not take them into your homes! We have caught half of them already but the streets are not completely safe. If you see one on your property, I can assure you there will be no persecution against you should you take the law into your own hands. This is strictly kept off the record. What do you mean this is live?”
The Federal Police Bureau has assembled a team of monkey experts. “Most monkeys in this country spend a lot of time behind bars. You know, in the monkey cages. When they are out on the streets in large packs they can be dangerous. Even the ones that mind their own business. Should you happen to see one of them, do not hesitate to call the police. I mean, animal control. Only shoot them if they are attacking you. Or you think they’re attacking you. Or you suspect they’re thinking about attacking you. In fact, because of these protesters, everyone should carry a switchblade on them to plant on the dead monkey should you shoot one.”
Animal rights advocates have been voicing their concerns around the world. “These monkeys are animals. Just like us. To give ordinary citizens the power and the systematic encouragement to shoot and kill them makes us the wild beasts,” states one of the unbathed protesters. “How long will we tolerate this catch and release of monkeys? It’s more harmful to keep them in the zoos than in their natural habitat.”
“I’ve always enjoyed monkeys the odd time I’ve seen them,” a suburban housewife tells us. “My husband though has been surprisingly intolerant of them since our daughter wanted to bring one home.” “Hey, hey! I didn’t say it quite like that,” her husband interjects.”I just think they’re better off in the zoos. It’s a jungle out there. We brought them over here to serve a purpose and I don’t want them in my home. It’s a personal choice, dear. You can’t be too careful. Monkey in the home. What’s next, a man and a pig?