SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Facebook announced on Wednesday they will be rolling out a long anticipated dislike feature and removing a user’s ability to ever logout of their account.
“We wanted to give Facebook users the option of disliking a post, because not liking it is too passive aggressive,” says CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “Before, when someone liked a friend’s post about bad news, it gave a mixed signal. Now, when someone likes a status about a lost job or dead pet, they’re sending a clear message.”
Facebook’s other major change is the inability to logout of your account, ever. “We figured people are already attached to the digital validation we have conditioned their self-esteem to, so now you are logged in with us forever. Every computer, phone, tablet and watch you log into will permanently store all your information. Its a way to combat the underground network of refurbished electronics. When you buy a phone, your digital fingerprint becomes as permanent as the one on your finger. To get rid of it, users must either die or throw their devices into the river and purchase a brand new device. We get a 10% cut from…”
“I like the new features,” declares a Facebook user. “Before, I had to constantly type in my email address and password to login. Who has time for that? I want Facebook to be more than just a way of keeping contact with friends in family. It has to be an extension of my personality. My very person. My soul. The electronic version of me will slowly become the real me. Welcome to the Hotel California.”