Titanic sequel confirmed to star Kanye West and the Olsen twins


DAVE WEASEL

LOS ANGELES, CA – The Titanic sequel has been confirmed to begin filming later this year and will star hip-hop artist Kanye West and former child actors Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

titanic sequel

“I suddenly had the realization we need another Titanic movie,” says producer and director James Cameron. “I felt Leo was too old to reprise his role as 20-year-old Jack, so Kanye is playing him. I forget who played Rose, but I remembered the twins Mary Kate and Ashley who work at my favourite Taco Bell were once actors, so I cast them to share the role because they gave me an extra stuffed burrito by accident.”

Kanye West released a statement, “I ran into James Cameron at a party. I said to him ‘Hi, I’m Kanye, and he said ‘I know, I really liked your-‘ I told him to shut the hell up and asked when the next Titanic movie is coming out. He said he was working on Avatar 2, 3, 4 and 5, so I told him to shut the hell up and cast me as Jack, I’ll finance the movie myself. He told me ‘Kanye! You’d be perfect to play Jack! You’ll make a great president one day’. He also said my new clothing line does not look like ‘slave gear’ and Ice T and David Crosby are idiots.”

“There were some weird stipulations to this movie, but It seems to have a never-ending well of financing from Mr. West,” says an intern from the production company. “His list of demands were to change the main character’s name from Jack to Kanye, and when he comes onto the set, everyone has to walk on their hands and feet and say ’38 is not almost 40.’ The sequel will pick up where the last one left off, but the character Jack, I mean Kanye, doesn’t die and takes on a “semi-biographical” role of Mr. West, so he survives and becomes a rocket-man karate champion who fights Osama Bin Laden on the moon. He also wants the iceberg to be shaped like ‘Kim’s rump’, and Kim will ‘voice the role of the iceberg,’ whatever that could possibly mean. The Olsen twins are something else. They are both sharing acting duties of the same character, so they will take turns acting and sleeping off a cocaine hangover.”

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

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