Chris Christie spends $3M on hourly blood/urine marijuana tests for campaign staff


MORRISTOWN, NJ – The New Jersey governor and candidate for the Republican nomination Chris Christie has racked up a $3 000 000 bill for hourly marijuana drug testing kits he demanded his campaign staff take.

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“I am sick of how slow things are moving, I want to be president now,” states Christie. “People and progress move much slower on marijuana, it’s a proven side effect. The word ‘retard’ means slow, therefore everyone who is mentally retarded has either smoked marijuana in their life or had a mother or father who did while pregnant.”

“It’s true, every hour we have to take this test,” says a campaign volunteer. “We have to line up, strip naked and be searched for marijuana. After that we are hosed off like zoo animals before the drug tests are administered. We have to give a blood sample and pee in a cup, the results usually come back 2-3 weeks later. It’s expensive, but to save money Chris has us all share the same needle.”

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Dave Weasel

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