JACKSONVILLE, FL – A Florida woman was detained by a S.W.A.T team on Sunday afternoon after a series of brutally menacing outbursts when a relative mistook the 29-year-old for 30.
“I couldn’t remember if she was 29 or 30. I forgot she has a late birthday,” says the woman’s aunt. “I told her nobody in the revolving door of men she brings around is going to stay if she keeps sleeping around on them. You’re too old for this, you’re 30. She then started twitching her eye and grinding her teeth. I took a step back because the white-knuckle grip she had on her 11th bottle of OE was about to shatter. That was when her inner monster came out. We call it, ‘The Beast’.”
“The Beast has struck again,” says the Police Chief. “We are not strangers with The Beast. Just last month we arrested her for stripping nude and humping every man’s leg as they walked out of the nightclub she was kicked out of. This time The Beast struck her own family BBQ. She punched out her younger, prettier and more successful sister and bit her on the face. They then locked her in the barbecue and threatened to light it unless someone in the family gave her a line of cocaine. Unable to provide it, her handsome brother-in-law, a man she saw first and called ‘dibs’ before her sister all those years ago, removed her from the yard. She then ran down the street, howling and taking off her clothes. We caught The Beast before she was able to harm anyone else. Thank God. We will be issuing a national warning upon her release, as she is just going to use her mental illness as an excuse for her behaviour. Until then, we sleep easy tonight.”