Facebook will own all your content unless you post legally-binding status


DAVE WEASEL

MENLO PARK, CA – Several news outlets have been reporting a false claim that Facebook does not own what you upload to the private company’s website. This is incorrect, you must post a status to protect your content.

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Facebook plans to photoshop products into profile pictures because this method is cheaper than hiring a professional model.  Statuses will be sold to politicians and coaches looking for expert analysis on how they are doing their job wrong. As most of what people post on the internet is pure brilliance, this is expected to generate billions in revenue.

The only way to prevent Facebook from cashing in on your content is to post a clumsily worded declaration of ownership, particularly written by someone with little-to-no knowledge of the law. Here is one of the court approved, legally-binding statuses:

As of the time stamped to this status, I do not give Facebook permission to use any of my content. My statuses about hating Mondays are the copyrighted work of my own. The pictures of sushi I had for lunch may not be shown to anyone except my friend list and anyone who searches one of the 60 hashtags I attached to it. The 1200 selfies on my page are not to be stolen by any of the top modelling agencies, even though I look better than all their models who have no brains and should probably eat something. The pictures of my baby, which really only three people think are cute, may not be used by anyone, especially those who say he/she looks like my ex. My Candy Crush score may be publicly published, as I am awesome at it. 

If you are posting within Canada, you must cite an American law which strangely applies to you in this situation. If you are American, you must say three things about immigrants destroying the fabric of society.

 

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

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