The Valley Report

Newsworthy News

Snooki to include ‘Raspberry Vodka Hangover’ in new fragrance line

FLORHAM PARK, NJ – Former D-list reality television star Snooki has included ‘Raspberry Vodka Hangover’ in her new line of perfumes to be sold on her website and dollar-stores near industrial parks, pending its third application to the FDA.

royalty free snooki

“We have rejected this twice before because of the effect it had on the rats in the lab,” states an FDA employee. “When applied to animals, it causes them to lick the reflection of themselves for 20 minutes in the mirrors we had set up in the cage. After this, they began aggressively shrieking out mating-calls. When the male rats showed no interest and hid from the test animals, they began dragging their bottoms across the cage and thrusted their hips across their victim’s bodies. The male rats, unable to recover from the trauma, refused food ever again and starved themselves to death. The second trial passed the lab-rat stage, but melted human flesh unless a fake spray-tan was applied first.”

“I’m like, so excited for this. Now everyone can smell just like me! I set a positive image of Italian-Americans and created, like, a good stereotype as thoughtful, intelligent and affable people. I totally wrote one of those ‘thesis’ things on mechanical engineering in lipstick on a bathroom wall. I snapped a pic of it with the first ever iPhone, because that’s what was out when I was [slightly] relevant.”


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This entry was posted on September 29, 2015 by in News.

Do not watch this

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