VATICAN CITY – A representative from the Vatican has confirmed a meeting took place between Pope Frances and self-described religious martyrs Kim Davis and Charles Manson.
“We decided to have some secret meet-ups with certain figures being punished for their religious beliefs,” declares a Vatican spokesperson. “Kim was supposed to keep her mouth shut, but that woman just opens it up every chance she gets.”
“Anyone can speak of doing god’s work, but it’s going to take more than just oral practice to truly serve Him,” says Davis. “When I met with the pope, he was very down to earth. Right down to the earth, actually. He allowed me to get down on my knees and service god for him with all my heart. It was truly an honour for a blumpkin like me.”
Charles Manson was able to use a prison pay-phone to contact us. “My beliefs were that I was to become god with the Beatles. The five of us homies would rule the earth with our music. Since George and John are dead, I’ve agreed to let Francis and Kim into the band of rulers. We are called Creed 2. There won’t be any fighting in our band because Kim and Francis already get along so well. When he came into the room to greet us, he gave her one of those pope-kisses on the hand all the way up her arm like some Pepe la Pope. He forgave me and my history with abortion, as the last one I performed was in 1969.”