SHERMAN OAKS, CA – In an effort to rid the streets of the endless dog-poo piling up, the city has agreed to ban all dogs from the area after an elderly woman slipped on a dump and broke her spine.
“This isn’t right,” says a disgruntled dog-owner named Cueball, who is living as a WW2 Nazi fugitive in Sherman Oaks with an ugly yard. “I do what everyone here does. I scoop it up in a little orange bag and throw it in an unsightly place when nobody is looking. People’s yards, a tree that has the base slightly hollowed out and sometimes near trashcans. The other day my pit bull mauled a baby and I had everyone’s support, but when she drops a shart and some stupid old woman falls down suddenly my girlfriend – I mean pet dog – has to leave the city or get put down?”
The city released a statement regarding the issue:
We are sorry to do this, but enough is enough. Bring them out of town by the end of the year or we will put them in our portable dog-killing machine. We would prefer you bring them to Studio City rather than Encino, as Studio City is already full of s*** and I kind of like Encino. I have my exercise class there and there’s a rad deli. Do not try to hide your animals. We will be searching every home and garage starting January 1st. We will be using dog-sniffing dogs who will find them under the sturdiest of floorboards and attics. Peace.