The Valley Report

Newsworthy News

Microsoft unveils its first laptop ever

DAVE WEASEL

REDMOND, WA – Microsoft unveiled the specs of its first laptop today, the ‘Surface Book’, which it calls “the ultimate rip-off”.

macbooklol

“We are sick of Apple hogging the market on notebooks,” says a Microsoft representative. “Just because computers made to run Windows were assembled in a Malaysian garbage dump, it doesn’t mean people should stop having to buy a new machine every second year.  We decided to hire Apple’s engineers, developers and top-shelf Indonesian slave labor to develop our machines.”

With a retail price of $1499 for the 13.5-inch model, hipsters are expected not to pay for them unless the Apple logo is showing. “I’ll consider it if they leave the Apple logo on the computers they base it off of,” says a scarf wearing, bearded man between hits of his vapour pipe. “When I’m in Starbucks working on my screenplay, I need everyone in there to know I paid a lot of money to look this good being unsuccessful.”

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This entry was posted on October 6, 2015 by in News.

Do not watch this

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