The Valley Report

Newsworthy News

Drunk woman robs convenience store with used tampon

DAVE WEASEL

MISSION HILLS, CA – A highly intoxicated woman is in custody after she robbed a store on Saturday evening, using a feminine hygiene product as a weapon.

drunk

“It was the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” says the terrified store clerk. “She stumbled in, hiked her skirt up and pulled the tampon out and said ‘gimmie the green or you get the red’. I can’t imagine what could’ve happened to me if I decided to be a hero. I will have nightmares for the rest of my life.”

The arresting officer issued a statement. “She ran off with her $57 and three king cans of Faxe, drinking them on the street. We’ve arrested her before, usually with more resistance. She’s known around the station as the Liquor Pig Tornado. I guess she ran out of the money she made at the donkey show we arrested her at last time.”

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One comment on “Drunk woman robs convenience store with used tampon

  1. Todd James
    February 28, 2016

    Actually I’ve made calls to her defense attorney and this was all a misunderstanding. She brandished the tampon in order to extend her friendship to the convenience store clerk–and foster better relations between men and women. What more can a woman do to further such a noble cause than remove her tampon and wave it like a white (and red) flag? Instead of receiving the gratitude she deserves, the piggish clerk became frightened and she then absent mindedly walked out with the merchandise. She’s a true pioneer, and several metropolitan museums have
    bid on the tampon so they can create an exhibit immemorialize this righteous deed. I believe it went for $1.5 million on eBay. Shame on you for your slander, sir.

    Like

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This entry was posted on October 10, 2015 by in News.

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