MISSION HILLS, CA – A highly intoxicated woman is in custody after she robbed a store on Saturday evening, using a feminine hygiene product as a weapon.
“It was the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” says the terrified store clerk. “She stumbled in, hiked her skirt up and pulled the tampon out and said ‘gimmie the green or you get the red’. I can’t imagine what could’ve happened to me if I decided to be a hero. I will have nightmares for the rest of my life.”
The arresting officer issued a statement. “She ran off with her $57 and three king cans of Faxe, drinking them on the street. We’ve arrested her before, usually with more resistance. She’s known around the station as the Liquor Pig Tornado. I guess she ran out of the money she made at the donkey show we arrested her at last time.”