Des Moines, IA — Executing a new debate strategy, presidential candidate Chris Christie arrived an hour earlier than his Republican colleagues to the Fox News studio in order to eat all the provided snacks so that his GOP opponents would be forced to debate him on an empty stomach.
A spokesperson for Senator Marco Rubio took to Twitter to complain to Fox News Executives that there was no food provided, and a Fox executive apologized, revealing that Chris Christie simply had eaten it all.
“Honestly, I wasn’t even mad,” said debate moderator Megyn Kelly, who witnessed the spectacle of Governor Christie gorging himself in the Fox News green room, “I was impressed. We even ran out of ranch dressing because every time our poor caterers refilled the bowl, Chris would pick it up and chug it to the cheers and chants of his campaign staff.
After eating the cheese ball like an apple, Christie’s only comment was that he would “eat Hillary Clinton if she came within ten miles of the White House.”
The strategy proved successful, as many of the Republican presidential candidates appeared grumpy onstage due to their empty stomachs, particularly Senator Ted Cruz.
Pressed for a comment afterwards, a spokesperson for Cruz’s campaign would only say that Christie was going to “carpet bomb his toilet, if you know what I mean,” with an awkward, self-indulgent laugh.