WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama held an emergency press conference Thursday evening after finding what he described as ‘the most important development in human history.’
“With these ‘satire’ articles out there floating around on social media, it’s hard to tell if a news story is real or not.” The president declared. “There’s no way to know.”
He listed several examples of fake news stories and why they’re not funny because people actually believe them, no matter how ridiculous and sometimes stupid they are. “There was something about a woman farting in a restaurant. I see no humour in that. By producing gas and hot air that deadly, she could’ve been with Isis or the Republican party. Luckily, there are people out there so intelligent, they know it’s fake. They comment ‘this isn’t real’. It’s like witchcraft how smart they are.” Said Obama.
“That story about a woman stabbing her boyfriend because he didn’t like her Instagram picture brought tears to the nation. How could a man be so insensitive? I later learned it was a hoax. Not even that, an editorial about how narcissistic and strangled by ego gratification this generation is. That is the real crime, fooling millions of people with their own stupidity. Thank god someone was smart enough to notice the ‘similar stories’ underneath every single one of these articles.” President Obama stated. “To have that kind of detective skills to copy and paste the link to the real story which is displayed every single time the fake one is shown takes a type of brainpower that only 0.000000000000000001% of the population possess.”
Obama also shoved a war veteran down a flight of stairs to make way for someone else, in case he or she shows up. “I wanted to issue the Medal of Honour to someone named Anonymous7183 under the email address ‘email@example.com’ for commenting “your (sic) not funny” on every satire article on the internet. That kind of bravery deserves this medal.”
Obama also did a shoutout to Snopes.com. “They’re like the adult version of the kid not invited to the party. I’m putting them as the head of the Super Genius group, because intercepting traffic on heavily searched topics and capitalizing on it by littering pages with dozens of click bait ads is pure genius. No sarcasm this time.”