The Valley Report

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Man burns down workplace because they switched to instant coffee


BALTIMORE, MD – A disgruntled employee set his office on fire when he learned his company was switching to instant coffee for its employees to save money.


“He came in the door in his usual miserable mood,” states an employee who survived the fire unharmed. “After reaching for his Garfield mug he noticed the coffee maker had been replaced with a no-name brand of instant coffee. He threw the mug through a window then stormed into his office. After a few minutes he calmly walked out with a smile through his handlebar moustache while a burning smell began to fill the air.”

“Everyone got out perfectly fine,” states the fire chief. “It was a man sick of his job and sick of his life. We’ve all been there so we’re letting him go without charges. It seems like he threw a lit cigar in the recycling box, and that’s just too bad ass to pursue criminal charges.”

The man has since posted his resume on Criagslist and stated he was ‘FIREd’ from his last job with 17 ‘ha’s written after it.



3 comments on “Man burns down workplace because they switched to instant coffee

  1. Pingback: [Infographic] Office Coffee Trends You Need To Know - Hppy

  2. Missy
    March 12, 2016

    To be fair, the company manager DID take away his red stapler the day before this unfortunate incident occurred.


  3. Todd James
    February 28, 2016

    This was a very reasonable response to a difficult situation. It’s known that instant coffee metabolizes too quickly thereby creating a crash effect that one experiences during caffeine withdrawal. It can be very disorienting and it’s thought to play a part in at least 45% of automobile accidents. Instant coffee is also extremely carcinogenic and cancer was virtually unheard of before it debuted on the market. Unfortunately the medical industry as well as Big Pharma are in bed with Big Instant, a term used to describe a group of lobbyists that make generous contributions to both parties to mantain the legality of instant coffee. Instant coffee can also be refined to produce CRACK caffeine which is spreading throughout high schools in the US causing the death of many students. It’s not surprising that someone would become enraged about it. We should probably set up a charitable foundation to subsidize his income until he regains employment. Coffee Guy is a hero.

    Liked by 1 person

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This entry was posted on February 24, 2016 by in News.

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