New study links people offended by internet jokes to torturing animals and bestiality


DAVE WEASEL

NEW YORK, NY – A report published by the National Society of Sociologists concludes people who take personal offence to jokes on the internet are over 900% more likely to abuse and molest small animals, and 6500% if the joke has nothing to do with them.

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“We first noticed the trend while reading the internet history of convicted animal sex offenders,” states a head researcher. “100% of them took to social media and internet forms to point out to authors of jokes how inappropriate and in bad taste their jokes are. We wondered if this extended to people not criminally convicted, so we contacted 100 000 twitter repliers and all of them were willing to participate in the study, because people would actually be listening to what they have to say.”

“The results were shocking. Every single one of them had a dark, secret history of abusing animals,” another researcher said. “We concluded it has to do with power and control. People that feel intellectually inferior tend to take it out on something completely defenceless. It’s utterly disgusting.”

The report continued, “If you’ve ever seen The Office episode where Dwight finds a joint in the parking lot and imposes mandatory drug testing, you’ll remember Michael taking an extreme vocal stance against marijuana to exclude him from the drug test. It’s the exact same thing with social justice warriors. They’re the ones hiding something very dark and put on a moral charade to fool everyone.”

“Our society today is about everyone expressing their individuality and how unique you are. Everything is advertised to you that way. Everyone has something they latch onto to stand out. People with nothing tend to flaunt their morality and take the crusade to the internet. The bestiality aspect comes from the men dishing out their virtuous keyboarding. We’ve found 100% of them have said on social media ‘why don’t girls like nice guys,’ so they’re exercising their sense of entitlement on man’s best friend-zone”

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

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