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Woman murders college roommate for sending too many Candy Crush requests


DAVE WEASEL

BOSTON, MA – A 19-year-old woman beat her roommate to death with an industrial sized bag of jelly beans on Tuesday afternoon.

The woman was reportedly frustrated by the amount of invites received for the popular Facebook game Candy Crush. “It started off as once a week,” the woman said in her statement. “Soon it was happening every day. My battery was constantly dying from notifications from this girl. I tried disabling notifications, I tried blocking her, I tried everything except murder. Now I’ll never have to see that horrible notification again.”

The police issued a warning to people sending out the invites. “Not to blame the victim, but this woman was asking for it. We all know you have no life. We all know part of you is embarrassed the same people have to see the same notification from you, but you send it anyway. For your own safety, stop sending these invites.”

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

What others say about : Woman murders college roommate for sending too many Candy Crush requests..


Desmond

I enjoyed this article, but real quick I have to be “that guy” and remind everyone that gaming invites are automated and have been for years if not all along (since the advent of gaming apps). I bring it up whenever possible because over the last decade I’ve seen people flip out and write raging FB posts about it, threatening to delete people and calling into question the “sender’s” motivation and lack of consideration. More often than not a handful of people correct them that the actual friend is not sending it just their account, but somehow this misconception keeps cropping up. Also blocking requests from individuals and entire apps, are pretty easy if remember correctly (one or two clicks).

But again, funny article! I like it! Just wanted to throw all that out there in case anyone might be on the verge of unfriending (or murdering) a FB friend for sending gaming invites 😉

Ammons

No way this is real. The bag of jelly beans would have burst before she hit her enough times to kill her. Terrible reporting.

Matt

Harry Reid just introduced a bill requiring purchasers of industrial-sized bags of jelly beans to pass a background check

Eric Saxon

Anyone who took this article seriously, should report to the Department of Agriculture for immediate sterilization, our future generations will thank you.

GATOR22

Omg! All the hilarious comments are the best part of it! So when is someone gonna get beat down with a Coke bottle for soda saga? Lmfao!

FlyGuy1973

Some of you people really need to get a life if you believe any of this….lol. Try fishing, hiking, boating, skiing, anything but get off the computer once in a while!

Shawn

Nicely done, especially the police comment. Actually, the real humour was in all of the responses. You should get some kind an award Dave ‘Weasel’ … Like, people couldn’t even catch onto the name, lol. Hats off to you sir.

WolfSong

What I want to know is…where did she get the industrial sized bag of jelly beans…because I need one…or two. 😉

Robin

I f anyine plays farm heros send me a friend request I needs simw lives and I like living on the dangwrous side of life.

Mercuria

I recently beat my husband with a bag of carrots. His incessant Farmville requests got to be too much. I don’t recall our wedding vows including meeting his demands that I stop what I’m doing and tend to HIS crops.
Thankfully the judge rulled that he can get the plastic surgery to fix his nose right there at the prison Sending too many requests can land you in jail or six feet under.
It can also raise your insurance rates.

Kalvin

You people DO realize this is a satirical article making fun of our addictions to smart phones and game playing, specifically Candy Crush

tcm907

… here? You’re on a satire site. You can try submitting stories here, and if people find them funny you might make some money off it.

Sam

She beat her to death with “n industrial sized bag of jelly beans”
She brought candy crush to life on that girls face!

rj

If a jury doesn’t convict her we live in a fucked society its as simple as turning ur notifications to the gamee off

Allen

If a potato soup can be spilled during the same lunar cycle in which a white dog barks, then we live in a flawed society.

Ashley

I swear y’all are dumb. If it really happened. Murder is murder. Your going to jail. No matter wjay it’s over. Kmsl

Tiajuana

A person life was taken and they’re NEVER coming back! And people, including the police are condoning what she did?! She KILLED a girl because she didn’t like receiving a game notification! If it was really that serious and she was really that annoyed, she could’ve deactivated her page! Let this have happened to one of you guys loved ones! #NoCompassionForAnotherPersonsLife

Ashley

I love that Dave Weasel..the author of this post stands by that it really happened. It didn’t and this is supposed to be a “credible” page for news? Really?! Next time, Dave Weasel, please fact check your story before publishing it..Now, thanks to you, I have to read this hoax crap all over my news feed on facebook because people believe it actually happened.

Karma

It’s fake…… Like do you realize a bag of jelly beans would split open. Also the valley crest is a freaking bunny!

Drew

Please…find the nearest cliff and fling yourself off of it. Or or atleast dont reproduce

Concerned citizen

You’ve got to be kidding… There’s only two reasons you wouldn’t understand that this is a joke, 1) you either have be a kid, so I’m not going to make too much fun… Or if you’re not 2) well let’s just say I’m a bit concerned…

jmakimak

I agree with, Tijuana. This is not a joke. This is some serious shit. People have to take responsibility for their actions. What this woman did was horrible and unacceptable. I don’t care how many Candy Crush invites she recvied. She should’ve talked to people who could’ve helped or just deleted her as a friend. I don’t see how people think this is funny. Sick.

Sarah Leyrer

This is absolutely hilarious. And I’m seriously about to pee my pants I’m laughing so hard that everyone who ever reads this EVER wouldn’t be able to tell this is satire and/or doesn’t know what satire is. I also loved that she used a bag of jelly beans to beat her to death. Fitting as it was all over candy crush!😂😂😂

Chelsi

Murder isn’t okay no matter what causes it or pushes you! Anyone can change anything they set there mind to. I don’t understand how people can look at this and think that it is okay. What the hell.

Kelly

An industrial sized bag of jelly beans!! 😂😂 And you think this is real? Yikes.

Jonathan Schneiderman

Chelsi, why are you and so many others so gullible as to believe this is a true story. Did it seem believable that someone would use a bag of jellybeans as a murder weapon especially if the so called murder has to do with a game about candy including jellybeans? How can one miss that? I recommend you stay away from reading anything and stick with cartoons and infomercials because reading is a doubled sword for stupid people.

jmakimak

I agree with, Chelsi. This is not a joke. This is some serious shit. People have to take responsibility for their actions. What this woman did was horrible and unacceptable. I don’t care how many Candy Crush invites she recvied. She should’ve talked to people who could’ve helped or just deleted her as a friend. I don’t see how people think this is funny. Sick.

Laura Costello

Your comment could push someone to murder!!
Wake the F up!!! And join the real world!!!
No one killed their roommate with an industrial size bag of jelly beans for game requests!!!

Michael

It’s a joke!!! JMAKIMAK, you can’t possibly have believed this story??? It is funny, only because it was written to be ….. Some people blow my mind

Henry D Herrera

Are you stupid or just plain brain dead. You can not kill anyone for no matter what reason. We have authorities and we can always change accounts if it gets to the point of such frustration or harrassment.

C

Its a fake story. This isn’t a real news site. This did not happen.

Woman murders college roommate for sending too many Candy Crush requests – Moonshine Method

[…] bag of jelly beans on Tuesday afternoon. The woman was reportedly frustrated by the amount … Continue reading → Source: The Valley […]

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