The Valley Report

Newsworthy News

Man shoots off his own penis taking selfies with gun

DAVE WEASEL

ST. LOUIS, MO – A 20-year-old man is in stable condition Monday afternoon after the gun he was posing naked with accidentally discharged and shot off his penis.

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“We’ve never had someone shoot off their own junk before,” the police said in a statement. “There was a man who shot off his foot, a middle-schooler shot her guinea pig, and even a baby was able to shoot both his parents, but never someone’s own junk.”

“First I posed with this bad-ass look on my face,” said the man in a falsetto voice. “Then I thought the only thing girls like more than guns is men without shirts on, so I took my shirt off. To stand out from the rest of the shirtless gun-selfies, I decided to take my pants off because I read online that women like it when random guys send them pictures of their dick. I was trying to thrust my hips around and do the helicopter like my peen is another gun, but then the gun shot off instead of the camera.”

Police dropped all endangerment charges in exchange for him not filing a complaint about them expressing relief he won’t be able to reproduce.

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157 comments on “Man shoots off his own penis taking selfies with gun

  1. rivermonster
    April 1, 2017

    Never pose with a loaded gun LoL.

    Like

    • Darryl Van Rijn
      April 2, 2017

      OMG! When you THINK you’ve heard everything. I am NOT sure how I feel about this. Personally MYSELF? I would feel like an “IDIOT” and 100 times worse knowing it was in the newspaper

      Like

  2. Talk Soup (@TheTalkSoup)
    September 14, 2016

    adding “falsetto” will certainly net the pulitzer

    Like

  3. joed68
    August 14, 2016

    “This week on The Violence Channel:: an all-new “Ow, My Balls!””

    Like

  4. Patrick Ray
    August 14, 2016

    Reblogged this on Song Lyrics Explained.

    Like

  5. Kristin
    August 14, 2016

    This page even has a disclaimer. It reads as follows:

    Some of these stories may be exaggerated, embellished or an outright work of fiction. Use proper judgment when reading anything on the internet. Share anywhere you want, but do not repost content without permission.

    We only use images with permission, belonging to public domain i.e. stock-photos and mugshots, or we are covered by fair use laws as a parody. However, we will remove any picture at the request of the person in the photo. You can either send our Facebook page a message or email editor[at]thevalleyreport.com with proof it is you and we will remove it. All third parties or threats of legal action will be forwarded to our legal department at gofuckyourself[at]thevalleyreport.com and will be taken down in 90 days out of moral obligation, not legal.

    Like

  6. Kristin
    August 14, 2016

    I hope all you guys do know that the story is not real at all. I mean look at the wording, and the suppose quotes made by police officers and medical personnel. No police officer is going to say “junk” in an interview. No professional would talk like this to the press. Although I am definitely sure there are men out there stupid enough to shoot off their own penis, the story is a fake.

    Like

  7. Felix H. Brown III
    July 22, 2016

    Lemme just whip this ou– AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! MY DICK!!!

    Like

  8. Jay Rudko
    July 17, 2016

    If he wanted to get circumcised, there are easier and better ways.

    Like

  9. Paul
    July 14, 2016

    Fakr ass bullshit story

    Like

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  12. Toni
    July 11, 2016

    No, women do not like strange men’s dick pic’s!!! Dumbass!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Katherine
      July 19, 2016

      You know it was a man that came up with something that stupid. For once and for all. NO, women do not like or in any way want a strange, unknown guy to send her a picture of his ball, penis or ass. It is not sexy or alluring, it just looks stupid. The fact that a guy is so proud of his dick that he wants to make unrequited pictures of it and send it to unknown women just makes the guy look pathetic. 9.999% of the time what he’s got isn’t even a little bit better than what anyone else has and all it does is either creep the woman out or she laughs her ass off at it. Please for all woman kind. Just don’t. Stop it.

      Like

    • Katherine Stine
      July 19, 2016

      You know it was a man that came up with something that stupid. For once and for all. NO, women do not like or in any way want a strange, unknown guy to send her a picture of his balls, penis or ass. It is not sexy or alluring, it just looks stupid. The fact that a guy is so proud of his dick that he wants to make unrequested pictures of it and send it to unknown women just makes the guy look pathetic. 9.999% of the time what he’s got isn’t even a little bit better than what anyone else has and all it does is either creep the woman out or she laughs her ass off at it. Please for all woman kind. Just don’t. Stop it.

      Like

  13. William Walter
    July 10, 2016

    The Loraina quickie

    Like

  14. Daniel Way
    July 10, 2016

    This is a HOAX. It is not in any media source in St. Louis. Only on commentary blogs can I find this.

    Like

    • Shawn S. Lealos
      July 10, 2016

      If anyone can’t figure that out based on the police comments, they deserve to believe the story…

      Like

      • Greg Davis
        July 12, 2016

        Very correct!! Police would never use refetences, such as junk.

        Like

    • Henry Streator
      July 11, 2016

      Its not meant to be a hoax-but rather a parody. Get a clue Raccy.

      Like

    • Merri Peterson Sutton
      July 14, 2016

      You all DO know this is satire, right…?

      Like

  15. Richard
    July 9, 2016

    ROFL..THIS ONE GOT ME ROFLLMAO….ANY ONE THAT CAN SHOOT HIS DICK DESERVE THE BRUCE JENNER AWARD.ROFL.oh help me Lord…ROFL.

    Like

    • TrolledYouHarder
      July 9, 2016

      Congrats on trying to be funny but sounding like an ignorant troll.

      Like

    • DERP
      July 9, 2016

      are you retarded?

      Like

  16. radical fem
    July 9, 2016

    if it’s satire it’s supposed to be clever, amusing and original. this is all too common; men are always shooting their dicks or other body parts off. this is nothing new; ask any ER nurse.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. brianarbenz
    July 8, 2016

    Aside from gun control, we need self control!

    Like

    • Brian Gribowskas
      July 11, 2016

      Don’t you mean “selfie control” ?

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Sheila Maury
    July 8, 2016

    I am glad to find out that this is a fake. Of course, no one has to take an iQ test to buy a gun, but I would hate to find out there are people ,with guns ,that are this stupid. Wait a minute, there are people like this with guns and we will soon read about them on Facebook.

    Like

    • john hough
      July 8, 2016

      I worked as a nurse (LPN) in a desert community where guns are very common..and (wink) some of the things that I’ve seen shot or shot off..should have made the news..many times and shoot “junk” was not such a rare incident but usually a small caliber weapon or air rifles..not surprised !!

      Liked by 2 people

    • bill w.
      July 11, 2016

      There are probably people this stupid andI would argue that we are more at risk from them voting than owning guns.

      Like

  19. worldofdonad
    July 7, 2016

    Reblogged this on worldofdonad's Blog.

    Like

  20. William Place
    July 7, 2016

    That sucks, but not for him any longer!

    Like

    • john hough
      July 8, 2016

      BYE,..BYE,..LOVE!!! hello prosthetics !!

      Like

      • DERP
        July 9, 2016

        it’s a fake story retards

        Like

  21. Debbie
    July 5, 2016

    Satire, and not that well done either ! Though this was funny … “said the man in a falsetto voice.”

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Ella
    May 10, 2016

    I’m glad this man is removed from the gene pool.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. jeff
    April 9, 2016

    This story is fake, the photo is of Jules bahler. He was convicted of bank robbery in Michigan.

    Like

  24. Richard Jennings
    April 8, 2016

    Ok how stupid can you be and still able to purchase a weapon or as certain idiots demonstrate…. a gun ????
    If you can’t tell a round is in the chamber AND your legally old enough to buy a weapon. You deserve what happens when you pull the trigger.

    Like

    • Delton Streetman
      July 6, 2016

      See my reply below.

      Like

    • Denis Sagendorf
      July 9, 2016

      THE WEAPON IS AN AUTOMATIC EITHER SEMI OR FULLY. IT HAS A CLIP, AND EVERY CLIP IS LOADED. THERE MAY NOT BE A BULLET IN THE BREACH, BUT AS SOON AS YOU SQUEEZE THAT TRIGGER. BANG!!!!! NOW IT’S LOADED!!!!!! THE BOY IS STUPIDER THAN A 10 GALLON BUCKET OF SHIT!!!!!

      Like

      • DERP
        July 9, 2016

        find your caps lock and refer to them as “magazines”. Nothing worse than someone acting like they know about guns on a fake article.

        Like

      • Joe
        July 12, 2016

        *magazine, not clip.
        *breech, not breach.
        Go back to your video games now…

        Like

      • Bob.
        July 12, 2016

        If there’s Nothing in the breech, how does it load the next bullet ?

        Like

      • Reaper
        July 16, 2016

        Wow your dumber than this turd if it he was real.

        Like

  25. larry overstreet
    April 8, 2016

    what a dumb ass

    Like

    • Delton Streetman
      July 6, 2016

      You do realize that this is totally made up and intended to be a joke don’t you?
      Big clues are the remark about him answering in a falsetto voice, and the police not filing an endangerment charge in exchange for him not filing a complaint about the police making remarks that at least he can’t reproduce now.
      If you really think this is a real news article you’re probably as dumb as the fictional character in the story.

      Like

      • James
        July 7, 2016

        With all the accidental gun shot stories that’s been on Facebook as well news regarding these guys who are so in love with their guns but somehow turn off their brains when having their hands on their guns , it really wouldn’t surprise me

        Liked by 1 person

      • Debbie
        July 7, 2016

        So fake

        Like

  26. William
    April 8, 2016

    What bathroom will he use

    Liked by 2 people

  27. William
    April 8, 2016

    What bathroom will he use????

    Liked by 2 people

  28. Jeff Bartlett
    April 8, 2016

    LMAO.. no charges because he could have filed and sued them for saying crap….LMAO.. i woulda said Fk that.. arragin me.. I’m suing.. i shot my junk off.. i got nothing more to lose fkr’s..lol

    Like

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  30. Marc Rovira
    April 6, 2016

    wont be able to reproduce…..thank god!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

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This entry was posted on March 14, 2016 by in News.

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