HOUSTON, TX – Republican candidate Ted Cruz along with several of his girlfriends all had an open discussion about the ‘crisis’ of gay marriage and how it’s ruing the sanctity of it.
The discussion was held in Cruz’ private lair, which featured several bikini clad women dragging their butts across the floor like dogs while he spoke in front of a banner that read ‘Orgy Ted’s Ranch of Traditional Values.’
“I am sick of the gays wanting to be treated like people!” Cruz opened his statement with, pounding his fists on the podium. “A traditional marriage consists of one man, one woman and several other secret women on the side. Another thing; guns.”
“Orgy Ted carries a strong moral conviction when it comes to protecting the core beliefs of what a real marriage should be,” stated the only one of Cruz’ mistresses who passed high school. “He and his wife have been married a long time. I’ve heard her speak a few times when I had to hide under the bed when she comes home early. We are called the #HideFromHeidi Club.”