Drunk driver sues parents of kids he ran over for ’emotional distress’

CLEVELAND, OH – A 33-year-old man charged with driving under the influence and running over two children riding their bikes on the sidewalk has filed a lawsuit seeking damages against their parents this morning.

“I realize I am a danger to society,” stated the man. “But the trauma I have faced since I mowed down those two shit-rats is far worse than the act itself. My public domain mugshot has since been legally used in a completely serious satire article about a different kind of violent crime I didn’t commit. I do not understand humour. That has ruined my life. I have a family and job to think about, so I need to clear my name and have people know the violent and reckless crime I actually committed. And get a lot of money from those kid’s parents once they finish off paying their medical bills.