Bistro owner tracks down and murders Yelp user for bad review


DAVE WEASEL

OAKLAND, CA – A restauranteur is in custody after he murdered a Yelp reviewer who said the food tasted like “bison diarrhea”.

derek medina

The review, which continued to speculate in great detail on how the owner was able to obtain diarrhea from a bison, also stated “The guy was a total jerk. When my wife ordered her steak he said ‘No, you’re too fat for that, get the salad.’ Who does that? We were ready to leave but my wife really wanted to try this place. When the food came he said ‘Take a bite, I put everything in my ass first – I MEAN’ then walked a few feet away until we started eating. He rubbed his hands together like a cartoon villain. I’ll never eat here again.”

“Yes I killed that man,” stated the restaurant owner. “He said my wine tasted like monkey blood infected with AIDS. I looked at his other reviews and one said he was going to the place next door on Saturday so I waited in the parking lot. When I saw him, I only meant to confront him but he asked me if I was looking for more bison diarrhea so I took the phone charger out of his car and strangled him with it. Now there will be no power for his Yelp app.”

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

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