Man issued divorce and assault with weapon charge for giving wife a ‘dutch oven’

DAVE WEASEL

PHOENIX, AZ – A 33-year-old man is facing criminal charges for holding his wife’s head under the covers and letting out a ‘catastrophic, minute-long fart’.

The woman cited domestic abuse as grounds for the divorce saying the man has done that before. “He gets farty when he eats what he calls ‘shit-grapes’. It’s those dark green ones only available this time of year. He got up in the middle of the night and ate over six hundred of those turd berries. When he walked back in the bedroom like a death row inmate, I knew what he was clenching in. Before I could scream, he jumped under the covers, grabbed my head and shoved it directly to his buttocks then let out the most mortifying fart imaginable. The more I screamed, the more toxic gas I inhaled. When it was all over I was a shell of the woman I used to be.”

On top of granting the divorce, the judge ordered the man face criminal charges of assault with a weapon. “Given the magnitude of the fart, that counts as a weapon as the woman suffered from lung damage. My husband does the same thing to me, so I’m setting this up as a warning for him.”