Man gives up sex for life to vape in a fedora

DAVE WEASEL

SAN JOSE, CA – A 32-year-old man has accepted his fate as involuntarily celibate to smoke an e-cigarette while wearing a fedora.

“It started off as an accident,” says the man. “Women began distancing themselves when I started vaping in the first place, then they almost disappeared when I started going up to strangers to discuss flavors and tanks. With a cloud of crumble cake smoke around me, I found myself talking to no one at the bar about how uncredited those articles were about the potential dangers of vaping. Those articles never covered the fact that the vapour clouds are more effective at removing women around you than hoverboards and egg farts put together. The only friends I had left were the penpals -or- vapebros I met at the shop. The one woman that would come anywhere near me was my mom, who eventually had to get her friend to text me to leave her alone once I put the fedora on. It was worth it, look how badass I am. These glasses are not real though.”