CAMBRIDGE, MA – In an effort to keep every public place populated by young adults a ‘safe space’, Harvard is ensuring each student that tries their best will get flawless grades in every class.
“Everyone should be thanking me,” a frazzled, eccentric student stated. “I was sick of that butt-slut Monica bragging about her achievements with her masochistic level of self-discipline. I filed over 300 complains about her, all of them untrue until finally the school decided we all get participation grades. Finally, some recognition for my entitlement and mere presence.”
“We live in an age where the loudest voices come from the biggest failures,” said an administration representative. “The Participation Trophy kids have grown up but still have their empty hands out. We threw out grading for all the degrees nobody cares about just to shut them up, because there’s no harm in having participation-astronomers or participation-liberal-artists. When the med department found out, they also wanted to become participation-doctors. These kids deserve it, as long as their parents keep sending in their booster cheques.”
The Federation of State Medical Boards issued a statement. “Wanting something is the same as working for it. So many medicine students are being pressured into the profession by their parents. We want young doctors that actually want to be here. If they’re willing to show up and try their best during their education, they should be issued licenses to practice medicine.”