Donald Trump Jr. Gives Up On Plans to Learn Russian Alphabet


WASHINGTON – In an effort to totally-nonchalant-nothing-to-see-here communicate with anyone Russian, Donald Trump Jr. made an account on Duolingo from a probably secure server in a Starbucks cafe. Within the first hour, he made significant progress in vocabulary learning how to say phrases like, “The library is blue” and “My daddy can beat up your daddy.” Giddy with excitement over winning the “1-day streak” badge on the website, Jr. printed off the page and put it on his dad’s pillow.

The next day proved much more difficult as Trump Jr. sat with his Ipad on the toilet trying to sing along with the traditional alphabet song. It was when Jared Kushner came into the stall to try to harmonize is when Jr knew he had taken things too far. “It would be cute if I could email any Russian, like say a government official, in their speak,” said Jr, explaining as he flipped through flashcards walking down the hall. “But, like, emojis and gifs are universal right?” said Jr. as he sent a heart-eyed emoji plus eggplant to Natalia Veselnitskaya via Facebook Messenger.

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