Ann Coulter scolds Delta for flying too close to the sun


DAVE WEASEL

WEST PALM BEACH, FL – Ann Coulter recently humiliated herself in a psychotic Twitter meltdown, claiming her $30 pre-booked seat on a Delta flight was given to someone else. The passengers and crew, however, have a different recount of the events.

Amidst the shrieking, I checked the flight records only to discover my worst nightmare; Ratchet Annie was aboard the flight.

“We heard this bizarre snarling as the plane started gaining altitude,” one passenger tells. “I looked towards the back, only to see a woman, about 65-years-old, stand up and begin frothing at the mouth. With her head tilted back, her bones began dislocating backward. She was screaming ‘no! too much sunlight!’ and collapsed to the floor. My wife immediately recognized her as Ratchet Annie from television.”

The pilot added, “I herad a banshee’s wail from the cockpit. That didn’t startle me as much as the banging. When I opened the door, I saw what appeared to be a morality vampire dragging her melting body across the floor toward refuge with her cloven hooves. Amidst the shrieking, I checked the flight records only to discover my worst nightmare; Ratchet Annie was aboard the flight. We always carry a fire extinguisher full of holy water when she flies with us, but she usually flies at night to avoid this.”

Ratchet Annie issued a statement during her public breakdown: “I demand Delta reimburse me the $30 for the seat I reserved, as well as the $27 000 for plastic surgery I am going to need. I just used my loyalty card after my 1000th procedure to have work done on my latest book so it’s slightly less plagiarized than usual.”

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

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