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‘Presidential Alert’ emergency message sent to 225 million US cell phones


WASHINGTON – A nationwide emergency text was sent out via the president this morning to nearly 225 million cell phones.

The first message read, “You up bae? My mushroom head toadstool has a banana to toss if you know what I mean…” followed immediately by another alert stating, “Shit wrong convo. My bad lmao”

The first message seems to be intended for someone specific, referencing the Stormy Daniels blurb from her book:

“He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool. I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart. It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”

The following message made it clear the nationwide alert was unintentional. No word on who the text was directed at.

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Dave Weasel

writer | comedian | musician | canadian | etc

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