Jesus distances himself from Christianity after Republicans warp his message beyond recognition
BETHLEHEM – Frustrated by His teachings being turned inside out, Jesus has called it quits on Christianity.
“Too many of my so-called ‘followers’ are taking my message of love and tolerance, doing the exact opposite, and then having the audacity to call themselves followers of mine. I hope the real Christians keep up with the good word, but I’m out. I’m going to shop my options and see what’s out there. Buddhism could maybe use some J-man.”
“Unlike the fact he was the son of God – and existed at all, there’s no actual proof he was impoverished,” said a man identifying as Christian. “When the bible says ‘love your neighbor as yourself,’ he clearly meant ‘love only other white neighbors, put the rest in cages, build a wall and throw them over it.’ There’s also something like, ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,’ clearly puts some wiggle room in there to cheat on your nursing wife with a porn star, as long as you pay for her silence.”