The Valley Report

Newsworthy News

First fatality confirmed in new high school drug craze ‘fart-huffing’

DAVE WEASEL OVERLAND PARK, KS – A Kansas teenager died Friday night after the first reported overdose in this year’s newest drug fad ‘fart-huffing.’ “It’s a way for kids to … Continue reading

September 19, 2015 · 13 Comments

Bill Cosby’s attorney – “I don’t know what happened, I woke up and I was his lawyer”

DAVE WEASEL WASHINGTON, DC – The attorney hired to defend Bill Cosby speaks out after having no recollection of being retained by the former comedian and rapist. Her law firm issued … Continue reading

September 17, 2015 · Leave a comment

Texas Muslim teen detained under new ‘Minority Able to Tell Time’ law

DAVE WEASEL IRVINE, TX – A 14-year-old boy was the first to be arrested on Monday under Texas’ controversial new ‘Minority Able to Tell Time’ law, which gives authorities full power to … Continue reading

September 16, 2015 · Leave a comment

Drunk pregnant woman arrested on airplane for doing naked cartwheels down aisles

DAVE WEASEL FORT WAYNE, IN – A 26 year old woman, 8 months pregnant, was arrested by air marshals after drinking 14 beers, stripping down and performing cartwheels down the … Continue reading

September 12, 2015 · 13 Comments

New study proves marijuana more harmful than crack-cocaine

DAVE WEASEL RICHMOND, VA – In a recent study conducted by scientists at the National Science Research Place have concluded marijuana is up to 30x more harmful than crack, and … Continue reading

September 2, 2015 · 11 Comments

Woman arrested for stinking up bathroom and closing down restaurant

DAVE WEZL CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Police and fire-paramedics were called to a restaurant when it had to close its doors early on Tuesday evening after a woman spent 45 … Continue reading

September 1, 2015 · 294 Comments

Woman stabs boyfriend for not liking Instagram selfie fast enough

DAVE WEASEL CANTON, OH – A 22 year old woman was arrested after stabbing her boyfriend in the face with a sharpened selfie-stick because he did not like her post on … Continue reading

August 30, 2015 · 178 Comments

Teen gets pregnant from doing weed for first time; then dies

DAVE WEASEL OLYMPIA WA, – A 15 year old girl was found dead and pregnant in her room by her parents Friday afternoon. Police were informed of her debaucherous lifestyle including … Continue reading

August 28, 2015 · 17 Comments

Vatican archbishop accused of NOT molesting children; dies

DAVE WEASEL VATICAN CITY – Despite numerous claims of him paying for sex with children in the Dominican Republic, Jozef Wesolowski was accused of not being a child molester by his own … Continue reading

August 28, 2015 · Leave a comment

“Not even close” – Gun fanatics respond when asked ‘have enough innocent people died yet?’

DAVE WEASEL POSSOM TROT, KY – In the wake of today’s tragic on-air shooting of WDBJ-TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward, several pro-gun advocates have oddly chosen this time … Continue reading

August 27, 2015 · 9 Comments

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