The Valley Report

Newsworthy News

Ireland’s economy collapses after McDonald’s wages raised to $15/hr

ERIC NORDQUIST Ireland’s McDonald’s chain raised workers salaries to what translates to $15 US at the start of 2015 — it wasn’t long before the economy collapsed and left the … Continue reading

September 4, 2015 · Leave a comment

New study proves marijuana more harmful than crack-cocaine

DAVE WEASEL RICHMOND, VA – In a recent study conducted by scientists at the National Science Research Place have concluded marijuana is up to 30x more harmful than crack, and … Continue reading

September 2, 2015 · 12 Comments

Woman arrested for stinking up bathroom and closing down restaurant

DAVE WEZL CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Police and fire-paramedics were called to a restaurant when it had to close its doors early on Tuesday evening after a woman spent 45 … Continue reading

September 1, 2015 · 307 Comments

Donald Trump promises to deport all immigrants “back to Alaska”

DAVE WEASEL EDISON, NJ – During a recent tour stop in New Jersey, Donald Trump made his stance clear on immigration and what he plans on doing about it. “I want … Continue reading

September 1, 2015 · 6 Comments

Midget locked in Walmart overnight after getting stuck in toilet

DAVE WEASEL TULSA, OK – A little person is furious after spending the night stuck in a Walmart men’s room on Sunday. “I went in there close to closing time when I … Continue reading

August 31, 2015 · 1 Comment

‘Awesomesauce’ and ‘bruh’ added to dictionary while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ removed

DAVE WEASEL CHICAGO, IL – On Wednesday the Oxford Dictionary announced the list of words being added and removed on their website. “The English language evolves changes every year, and we like … Continue reading

August 30, 2015 · 5 Comments

Woman stabs boyfriend for not liking Instagram selfie fast enough

DAVE WEASEL CANTON, OH – A 22 year old woman was arrested after stabbing her boyfriend in the face with a sharpened selfie-stick because he did not like her post on … Continue reading

August 30, 2015 · 181 Comments

Guy pulls out acoustic guitar at party, but THIS version of Wonderwall changed them forever

DAVE WEASEL BOULDER, CO – We’ve all been there.  It’s Friday night, you’re at a friend’s housewarming party.  People are enjoying themselves, catching up with friends and meeting new ones. … Continue reading

August 29, 2015 · 1 Comment

Teen gets pregnant from doing weed for first time; then dies

DAVE WEASEL OLYMPIA WA, – A 15 year old girl was found dead and pregnant in her room by her parents Friday afternoon. Police were informed of her debaucherous lifestyle including … Continue reading

August 28, 2015 · 17 Comments

Nickelback to release Greatest Hits Album; 19 tracks of silence

DAVE WEASEL LOS ANGELES, CA – After cancelling the remaining 2015 tour dates because doctors determined Chad Kroeger can’t sing, Nickelback announced they’re putting out a greatest hits album consisting of … Continue reading

August 28, 2015 · 18 Comments

Lion saved from hot car; kills rescuers

DAVE WEASEL WINNIPEG, MB – A circus lion owned by a ringmaster named Slippery Pete was left in a hot car Thursday afternoon during a quick stop at the Unicity … Continue reading

August 28, 2015 · 2 Comments

“Not even close” – Gun fanatics respond when asked ‘have enough innocent people died yet?’

DAVE WEASEL POSSOM TROT, KY – In the wake of today’s tragic on-air shooting of WDBJ-TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward, several pro-gun advocates have oddly chosen this time … Continue reading

August 27, 2015 · 9 Comments

Do not watch this