The Valley Report

Newsworthy News

Facebook servers catch on fire after 9 million basic women post ‘I’m Pregnant’ on April Fools’ Day

DAVE WEASEL MENLO PARK, CA – Facebook was giving out a 502 error Friday morning to everyone trying to login to the platform because 9 000 000 people flooded their servers with the … Continue reading

April 1, 2016 · 2 Comments

Restaurant owner figures out how to get $150 000 of free social media advertising

DAVE WEASEL SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A local sandwich shop owner has been enjoying some free press over social media by making sure an offer to a homeless man was visible … Continue reading

March 31, 2016 · Leave a comment

Woman clubs boyfriend to death because he cheated on her in a dream

DAVE WEASEL SEATTLE, WA – A 28-year-old man is dead after his girlfriend beat him to death because she had a dream he cheated on her with a waitress at … Continue reading

March 29, 2016 · 73 Comments

Ted Cruz and his mistresses agree; gay people ruin the sanctity of marriage

DAVE WEASEL HOUSTON, TX – Republican candidate Ted Cruz along with several of his girlfriends all had an open discussion about the ‘crisis’ of gay marriage and how it’s ruing … Continue reading

March 28, 2016 · 1 Comment

Trump cancels all Mexican deportation plans after trying horchata for first time

DAVE WEASEL DALLAS, TX – Donald Trump had a change of heart -and plans- after his campaign crew stopped for lunch at a Mexican restaurant by mistake. “I didn’t even … Continue reading

March 27, 2016 · 1 Comment

Oklahoma judge grants woman permission to legally marry her cat

DAVE WEASEL OKLAHOMA CITY, OK – A civil union judge has authorized a 27-year-old woman’s request to enter a legally-binding marriage with her pet cat. When initially filing for a licence at … Continue reading

March 26, 2016 · 3 Comments

Campaign technician releases Donald Trump’s “bizarre” porn search history

DAVE WEASEL NEW YORK, NY – A computer tech for Trump’s campaign leaked what Donald has been searching for in various pornographic websites.   In the release sent via email, the … Continue reading

March 21, 2016 · 4 Comments

Woman jumps out 4th story window to avoid spider at doorway

DAVE WEASEL CHICAGO, IL – A 27-year-old woman leaped out of her fourth story window on Friday afternoon because there was a spider blocking her exit from the bathroom. Police ruled out … Continue reading

March 18, 2016 · 2 Comments

Man jailed for giving herpes to 200+ women he met on mobile dating app

DAVE WEASEL SAN DIEGO, CA – The recent herpes outbreak in Southern California has been traced back to one man who spread the virus to over 200 women he met … Continue reading

March 17, 2016 · 3 Comments

Man shoots off his own penis taking selfies with gun

DAVE WEASEL ST. LOUIS, MO – A 20-year-old man is in stable condition Monday afternoon after the gun he was posing naked with accidentally discharged and shot off his penis. … Continue reading

March 14, 2016 · 154 Comments

Donald Trump creates new reality show about deporting immigrants called ‘Catapult’

DAVE WEASEL CHICAGO, IL – Amidst the chaotic protests at a recent Donald Trump rally, the republican candidate announced his newest television endeavour titled ‘Catapult’, which will document his quest … Continue reading

March 12, 2016 · 1 Comment

Woman murders college roommate for sending too many Candy Crush requests

DAVE WEASEL BOSTON, MA – A 19-year-old woman beat her roommate to death with an industrial sized bag of jelly beans on Tuesday afternoon. The woman was reportedly frustrated by the amount … Continue reading

March 8, 2016 · 182 Comments

Trump Hotel sets up ‘Immigration Station’ to check residency status of guests

DAVE WEASEL LAS VEGAS, NV – Donald Trump’s famous Trump Hotel in Las Vegas began its new program to check the legal immigration status of all guests while checking in. “I … Continue reading

February 29, 2016 · 3 Comments

New study links people offended by internet jokes to torturing animals and bestiality

DAVE WEASEL NEW YORK, NY – A report published by the National Society of Sociologists concludes people who take personal offence to jokes on the internet are over 900% more … Continue reading

February 26, 2016 · 1 Comment

Do not watch this